Slowing Down

I realized how much my blog has significantly slowed down in the past year, for obvious reasons. Life isn’t a second by second play by play anymore and for that, I’m extremely grateful.

I’ve been having a lot of flashes lately-just of things over the past year-Indicators Kevin was sick before he was “sick”, flashes of his illness, thoughts of his passing and witnessing that. They strike just like lightning bolts, and cause my to freeze in the moment. It’s a little shaky, but I’m handling it ok. I thought I was pass seeing him in that illness stage, but sometimes it is just plain hard to let such bitter reality slip away.

This time last year Kevin and I were busy planning our beach trips, and preparing financially for our trip to Winnipeg. Kevin was busy with work, and I was settling into my new job in wholesale flooring sales. We were anxious to finanally have a financially stable summer where we could go to the beach often, and were considering the possibility of moving to Berlin, Md and possibly open a restaurant near Assateague Island to maintain our beach loving lifestyle.

It seems so far away now, but at the time, our dreams felt so close. Tomorrow, may be the first time I will be visiting the beach without Kevin. I have been hoping to take 1 day by myself to drive down to the beach to do my mental send off of Kevin before I go for a whole weekend. I prefer to go alone, and mourn in my own way there before travelling down there for a relaxing vacation weekend with friends and family the last two weekends in May.

In my mind, it’s a pre-requisite for spending a weekend at the beach with anyone besides Kevin. The plan is to drive down to Assateague, purchase my annual pass, de-flate my tires a bit, and drive on the Over Sand Vehicle zone with the jeep. I’ll pop open a lawn chair, read a little, write a little, take a walk, and just soak in Assateague post-Kevin. It’s going to be a very tough day.

The fact is though, I can’t give up the beach. As sad as it’s going to be do to do beaching, surf fishing, living, at the beach, I love it too much to give it up. Frankly, Kevin would KICK MY BUTT if I decided not to go there again. Even to pick a new location would be more bitter than to just go down there without him. Plus, Assateague was MY beach long before Kevin entered the picture :).

There are some things in life without Kevin that will be ok to give up, move on from. But others, are just too precious to move forward from. I love the beach. I love the sensation, the smells, the life that is there. I love the dreams that we made for the beach, and despite Kevin not being there with me, to me, it’s still a happy place. I think it’s one of the few places here stateside that are truly KEVIN. I know I’ll feel closer to him there than anywhere around here in Lancaster because it was so him. That being said, those first few trips, maybe even this first entire summer, are going to be tough to share with others instead of him. Camping without him will be difficult. I’m even going to have to learn to tie those annoying knots for the fishing rod without him. Something he was adament about me learning on our last trip together. At the time, I didn’t understand his need for me to learn to tie the knot, or fillet the fish, but now I do. He didn’t know that he would be around to show me again, and he was preparing for me to continue it on my own.

Wow. No wonder I was so angry with him for not doing it for me, haha. I think deep down I must have known why he was doing it.

So tomorrow, think of me as I drive there, as I mourn oceanside. Thanks…

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