Tuesday Blues

I hate Tuesdays. I don’t know if I’ve told you that before, but for obvious reasons, Tuesdays suck. This Tuesday isn’t so bad, but I had a pretty emotional night, and tonight, that isn’t going to change. I start my group grief therapy tonight, so I can’t imagine myself NOT crying for that.

I really want to post pictures, but I’m having trouble working some things out, so hopefully I’ll get the blog up and running properly soon so you can see some pictures of what I’ve been up to the past few weeks. I promise: PICTURES TO COME!

Welcome to 11 weeks. Yes, 11 weeks. Can you believe it? It’s almost been 3 entire months since Kevin passed. I thought it was bad when we were dating and doing the horrible long distance thing, and didn’t get to see each other for 3 months. It lasted FOREVER, and this time, I’m just going “It’s already been 11 weeks?! No.” I don’t want to believe it. 11 weeks since I’ve seen him….how cold this feels.

Just imagine…or don’t…11 weeks not being able to talk to, hug, kiss, or even KNOW your spouse. 11 weeks of complete solitude from your spouse. Don’t take this as a joke, although, some of you may be going, “That might be nice,” haha. But in all seriousness, this feels impossible. I look at his pictures now and it almost feels like a dream. All of it. I can’t begin to explain it, but sometimes I look back at our life going, “Did this really happen? Did we love, and then lose?” It feels entirely too surreal to handle. It is way too much to comprehend, so I really don’t.

I’d like to give you all some inspiration, to give you some great tidbits that I’m feeling wonderful and fine, and that I believe this is all for God’s plan. But I’d be kidding myself to type that here today and truly feel it. It’s not that I feel completely void of that. I do feel God has a plan, I just don’t understand it. I feel inspired by certain events, and some things that I believe are fate, but do I want that? No. Do I have good days and have fun? Yes, but then I go home to my empty bed and a lounge chair that no longer holds my husband.

I see the beauty in my life, surrounding me. The laughter and love of children, the beauty of God’s country, the love and attention of family. I see all of it, I feel all of it. But I still feel consumed with loneliness. I still place a kiss on Kev’s picture every night before bed wondering why he isn’t going to lie next to me. I still question why certain friends and family haven’t called me since the funeral. I still cry at the randommest acts. I still am alone.

That’s just the bittersweetness of life. A feeling of complete love, and yet, complete abandonment. I don’t expect you to understand, but I hope you’ll pray for me. I hope you’ll at least empathize. I hope you’ll be here.

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Comments 2

  1. It’s been awhile since I have posted-but know that I am thinking of you always! I know we have never met-but through your blog I feel like I know you so well!

  2. I’ve never experienced a loss like yours, Brenda, so you are right that most of us can’t really understand what you are going through. I’m glad that you are going to your grief therapy sessions, and I’m glad that you are back working with children who are full of innocence and joy and can take your mind off things for a while. I worry about you, but I know that you will keep on keeping on in spite of the pain and loneliness.

    Of all the treasures in my life,
    I count among the best my memory,
    which holds in its firm grasp
    the lives which have passed from here,
    yet live on, vibrant, in my mind.

    I wrote that years ago, after my grandmother died, and I do still remember her as vividly as if she were here with me. I hope that the happy memories will begin to triumph over the sad ones, Brenda.

    Much love,
    Nan 🙂

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