What to hold onto?

The headstone is ordered.  Yes, 1.5 years it took, but finally, his name will be etched in stone in all its finality.  There’s really only two reasons your name gets carved in stone: a memorial, or an award, both two extremes of emotions.  It wasn’t nearly as difficult as I imagined it would be, but of course, I have yet to see the finished product, the stone laid in front of his final resting place, and my name listed on the bottom as “husband of Brenda Lee Harnish”.  That part?  Yes, that part will be excruciating.

I have been doing quite a few things lately to really wrap up my last lifetime.  The burning of the dress, ordering the headstone, closing out documents in his name.  I came across his wallet the other day looking for the number to call to set up the appt for the headstone.  His wallet, literally untouched.  I never took the time to pull out the cards from it other than my picture which was well worn.  It is still there, just as he left it.  It feels like dissembling it will be a simple thing, but I know it will not be.  Should I pass the wallet along?  Throw it out?  There’s still things that pop up that I think, “Wow, haven’t I dealt with this already?”  I don’t see them as things that I cannot deal with, but simply just have not been done.

My wedding album still sits at my parents.  I can’t bring myself to bring it over to my apartment.  I feel like it’s better kept at their place, or maybe I should get copies of all of them to give to my MIL so between the parents, they can  hold that place for me.  What do we do with these things?

I have a feeling many widow(er)s find stuff throughout this journey that we simply have no clue with where to place.  I have gotten rid of so much, passed some along.  It’s the memories I cherish most, but sometimes, knowing that it was something he cherished, something he touched, that is dear to me as well.  I do not ever want to wipe the slate clear of his life, but what do I do with the physical momentos of what is left?

1.5 years and you would think this would all be dealt with, but thus, it is not.  He’s still there in some ways.  But I guess he always will be.

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Comments 2

  1. Yes…he will always be there…
    This is good.

  2. Ah, the keep/throw away decision-making process can be so fraught, and so personal. I would have tossed just about everything, I think, because the memories are what matters to me. But with a step-son and a daughter to consider, I tried to save some representative items: a pair of shoes (maybe some important man in her life can wear them to walk my daughter down the aisle); a pair of his ubiquitous khakis; a polo shirt; something with his cramped handwriting on it. And for me, the shirt we bought on our first trip to Hawaii and the one from our honeymoon.

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