Who is this girl?

I am not the woman I once was.

Senior Picture - 2002

I’m not her.

Queen of Sales for my Mary Kay Unit - 2007

I’m def. not her.

25th Birthday - 2009

This girl wasn’t me either.

I have gone through a rebirth.  Kevin’s death was most likely the catalyst, but the series of events that have tackled my life since his death in late 2008 has formed who I am today.  But who is this person now?

I find myself saying “I don’t know” a lot these days.  I seem to be having a very difficult time defining my dreams, hopes, desires, my life.  Every word that I would put into that description has a counterpart – some part of its definition that does not fit.  The mold that I had created for my life is gone and in without that, I feel lost and alone.

How do I live without my securities?  When it really is just me.  I have relationships on which I can rely, but they cannot figure life out for me, only I, with the grace of God, can do that.  The thing is, I don’t really trust God anymore.  At least, that’s what I figured out in therapy.  I prayed for something, something that didn’t happen.  Has God always answered my prayers?  No, he hasn’t.  Why does this make the difference?

I don’t know where I sit on most things happening in my life.  I have questions and decisions to be made financially, professionally, with friends, future goals, etc.  These are all things that really alter my life.  But what about the heart of me?  Where does that stand?  Who is this girl?

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Comments 3

  1. Death always bring about some sort of rebirth. I hadn’t thought of it in the way you describe. It must be difficult/sad/exciting/scary to be in the middle of that process. The only thing I can think to say is, “Let yourself become what you will become.”

  2. By being her then, you are the you, that you are now (how’s that for a complicated sentence 🙂

    So today … you are you. And you are good. You are enough. Start where you are, breathe, be still …
    “Your vision will become real only when you look into your heart. He who looks outward dreams. He who looks inward awakens.” Jung

  3. They say that traveling together is a true test of a relationship – so go, and have a wonderful time together! I can’t wait to see what you write about Costa Rica, a place on my list of “where I want to go.” Still new in our marriage (despite our age!), we spent two weeks in Florida/Caribbean last December and got along great! Dave snorkeled for the first time and we swam with sting rays! There’s something freeing about “getting away” to a totally new and beautiful place…

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