For the record, “Beer in Mexico” is on the radio right now. So, the blogpost name is not original.
I miss traveling. Not that I don’t do it-in the past 15 months I’ve been to Winnipeg, San Francisco, Seattle and Las Vegas. Besides that have been numerous cabin and beach weekends, but I miss the exploration of new places. But then it comes down to the big hindrance: time and money.
Today I am enjoying laying out plans to visit Smoky Mountain National Park for the first time over my birthday weekend. 26 years is nothing spectacular, so I may as well enjoy it in a spectacular place. My mind keeps imaging myself in places like Montreal, Assateague, the South…a few more places that I want to explore and re-explore in the coming year. It is starting to feel normal to explore solely or with friends, rather than with Kevin. Normal, however, doesn’t always feel right or good.
While I have come to accept, acknowledge, and attempt to embrace that I must still travel even if it means by myself, it still is a very lonely thought. I am at a point where I not only miss having Kevin to travel with, but just having a companion to travel with-a crossroads of emotions accepting one thing and hoping to have a future again with another.
I don’t know how to do it all: school, work, travel, friends, self employment-I have so many ventures which is quite typical of me, yet I still feel like I am missing something, a completion. My lack of faith is one of those things that still, after 15 months, has kept at an incredible low. I mourn my lack of faith like I mourn Kevin’s death. It’s not that I am turned off to it, or that I do not believe, but my heart still hasn’t found the tools or the ability to push forward and embrace my faith again.
At a crossroads of so many activities, I still feel lacking. I still seek for something greater, something that gives more importance to an also-seeking world. I am looking forward to connecting deeper with people, with faith, with community. Doing life in work, school, gym doesn’t fill that need. For me, it’s exploring and touching others.
Time to search for more, and hoping it doesn’t lead me astray. It’s time for another beer in…