More. Desire. The hunt. Seeking. Wanting. Achieving.
Most of what motivates me in life are these things above. And so many times it all feels too much. There have been plenty of times I’ve written a similar blog like this and recall my friend Sandy in the back of my head telling me to slow down. Telling me that there’s too much on my plate. That life isn’t about getting all of this “done”. Finished. Completed.
I feel like I’m constantly working on the next best thing and wondering when that satisfied feeling will hit. Will it ever? Once I chase one thing I just pivot to another. The contentedness I expect isn’t there for long. This used to happen with jobs. It still happens with shopping. It definitely happens with food.
I wonder, when I scroll through my instagram feed <3ing all of these things that I like, love, and admire, if it’s just me lusting over them? If I’m just wishing I had those things in my life and then needing to seek them out. Where does the feeling of completeness come in?
I think I’ve been chasing achievements. Resume builders. Things that, on the outside world, will look to anyone else like I’ve got my sh*t together. Getting my bachelor’s degree. Getting a promotion at work. Purchasing a property with some land. Having a new toy. Getting a great deal or finding something awesome at the thrift shop. Scoring something new for our camping adventures. Booking the next trip. But internally-what does THAT look like?
I’ve tried to be a truth teller over the years, even when it’s been hard. And I’m still trying to figure out how to balance truth telling versus sharing every regret and mistake I’ve ever made. So bare with me while I determine how to do that without feeling like a complete fool. But I know I’m seeking and I’m not finding. I know there’s an emptiness that only gets partially filled by the things I list above. And when I think back on those regrets and mistakes it doesn’t make that emptiness feel any better. It makes me feel more exposed and vulnerable than ever.
I’d like to find some time to focus on soul recovery. Healing the parts of me that hurt. That have been hurting. Spending some quiet time with those parts instead of trying to fill them with something external. Addressing the fact that my own pain makes me reflect pain on others. And embracing that fixing my own “house” needs to happen before I can help anyone else.
How do you start filling your emptiness? What’s been part of your soul recovery?