I think this is my new mantra: Keep it Kevin. It just fits for a LOT of things, especially right now. I just want to make my life so that it would keep it Kevin. Yes, I have to make some BIG changes, and to a lot of grieving, a lot of adjusting. But overall, he was such an amazing influence on my life, and will always be, so I just want to keep it Kevin.
In fact, I think in this honor, it names my Team Sarcoma that I still plan on starting for the 2009 year. Team Sarcoma: Keepin’ It Kevin. I like it-do you?
Hm. I haven’t cried in 24 hours. I have ALMOST ALMOST cried, but not broken down. *shrugs*. It’s not a feat I enjoy telling you, because I want to cry. I want to cry a lot. But right now, I’m just having conversations in my head with Kevin, believing that he can hear me. I hear his responses, and the things he would say if he were here.
I think at some points, I truly know he is gone. In others, I cannot wrap my head around this. I think about him dying, I think about the struggle we had with this disease, and I just can’t believe it’s over. Reality comes and goes for me.
The thing is, I don’t want to remember him FOR these last 4 months. Yes, it developed in him an unbelievable character-but that’s just it. It was one character in our short lifetime together. And that character is so uplifting, yet so depressing for me….it just sucks. Because right now, it’s all that enters my brain. I try to think back to before this horrible disease, and my mind just won’t let me!
Anyways…mom said she would take care of getting all the medical stuff out of the rooms while I’m gone. I think that will help, not having that constant reminder of the pain Kev went through. Then I can just flood the rooms with pictures of the GOOD times and be forced to have good memories, despite what my brain wants to think.
Grieving sucks. THere is no other way to put it.
By the way-I fly out this evening for Winnipeg and will not be back in Lancaster until later afternoon on Monday. I will do my best to blog while I am away, but it may not always be possible. So for your theboitsons.info stalkers (hehe), be patient. LOTS more is coming from me. This blog will never end for me…
Love you all.