Will It Work?

I am a pc. I am not a mac. I am a pc.

Seriously..I love you Mom II, but your computer makes me very angry.

This is probably the umpteenth time I have tried blogging in the past 24 hours, so we’ll see if it FINALLY works!

Many of you are my blog stalkers, but I am one as well, because I am addicted to writing this. You have no idea how therapeutic it is for me to write this. To be honest, I did it more for me than anyone else.

Yes, it helped not having to make a bazillion calls, but it also helped/helps me process everything that happened and is going to happen. Know that this blog is FAR from over. It’s just begun a new chapter.

This new chapter doesn’t have a name, but it’s a new chapter of my life. Unfortunately this is a chapter I begin without Kevin. It’s not a chapter I want to write, it’s not a chapter I want to start. Even getting the first sentence going of this is difficult, but there is no way to stop it.

I don’t know what to call it….anger, sadness, grief, frustration, loss, powerlessness….all the above? I think I’ll just leave it un-named because there are no words, just like there are no tears, big enough to contain the emotion.

I want you all to know I arrived safely to a COLD Winnipeg where I brought with me ice, and now snow. *shakes her head*. As I said before..Welcome to Canada Brenda. Welcome to Canada. Kevin would HATE this weather!

I’m doing ok, but everything here is a reminder of Kevin. Everything. I wouldn’t be in this town if it weren’t for him, and that alone makes this trip extremely difficult. I’m staying in the place where I last visited with Kevin, and that trip was so hard because Kevin was experiencing the first symptoms of this horrible disease. It is not a good memory.

I look forward to seeing his friends, but know how hard that alone will be…because they are Kevin. They were his life, his love. It’s very hard to be here, and although it’s nice spending time with family, I am anxious to be home in our bed, curled up with this fun little kitten, and to just be with my thoughts and my “life”.

I need a dog. Shame we have a cat that won’t allow it. But when I get on my own, whenever that may be, I’m getting a big, cuddly, dog. 🙂

Big thanks to an “old” friend who has lent thier ear to me. Who understands this unlike some others…and who is just there. I appreicate your kind words and help.

I don’t know where to begin when I get back. But so far, I have a job interview, a grief group session, a CMA awards date, and a movie date. Besides that I’m dreaming of visiting friends all over the state of Montana, in San Francisco, maybe Washington, and near Philadelphia and Delaware. I have my options. I don’t know if it will happen, but if I need an escape plan, I know your doors are open, so thank you.

This is tough, but I’m getting through. I have some good days, I’ve had some horrible days. I’m just trudging along, and trying to keep my chin up. The best thing I can do, is wake up, take a shower, and attempt to feel pretty because Kevin would want that for the least. So for now, that’s my plan.

Love you all.

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Comments 6

  1. Brenda-it worked! I can’t ever figure Macs out either… I must say, getting a dog is a good idea… Much better than a cat in the fact that dogs actually love you back!! A friend recently told me the “dog/cat psychology”. When you have a dog, you love it, feed it, pet it, and play with it, and the dog thinks you are “god”. When you have a cat, you love it feed it, pet and play with it (if it will let you), and the cat thinks it is “god”. I thought that was pretty fun way of looking at their differences. I’m still praying for you while you’re in Canada. Much love to ya girl-Em

  2. Good to see the blog back… missed it the last few days ( yes I am a blog stalker too…).Sorry that your first day in Canada and in Winnipeg, was our first day of major cold and snow.

    As far as getting a dog, I can attest to the beauty of having a dog as we have 5 of them ( if you want to borrow one while you are in Winnipeg …just let me know (he he). Anyway dogs are great and they love you unconditionally and all the time.

    Hope you find some relief and some peace while you are staying with Linda. I am sure that it is hard being back in a place where Kevin first starting feeling ill, but I am sure that all of Kevin’s friends and relatives are very glad that you made this difficult trip here.

    Our prayers are with you and you are in our thoughs always.

  3. Hi Brenda,

    Glad to hear that you made it safely. I wish your visit was anything but what you are here for. Sunday will be a difficult day not only for you but also for Linda and Ken, especially because they will be sourounded by their family and friends as we say goodbye to Kevin.

    I hope we stay in touch and that we continue our friendship even if it’s only “online”. You truly are one fantastic person and a very good writer might I add! 🙂

    P.S. Sorry for the sudden weather change, we actually had very beautiful weather up until today…:) Oh well, we Canadians are proud and tough! Actually, I don’t think I could imagine life any other way!

    See you on Sunday.


  4. Hey!! Thinking and praying for you (and Linda and Ken) over the next few days. I love the dog idea!! They always make you feel loved and they are so much fun! Well, look forward to seeing you again.

  5. You are always welcome here in Germany!

  6. If you ever want to go to the mountains and not stay in the primitive cabin…you are more then welcome to stay with us. And our cuddly dog, Sadie will snuggle with you all night long! And give you kissy until you can’t stand it! haha!

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