Why do words affect me so? They create drama in my brain that I can’t shut off. I use other people’s words to torture myself. If I make a mistake, and it’s pointed out, I go over it again and again and feel the shame of it everytime. Shame of being imperfect. It’s ridiculous.
Whenever I struggled with things, when Kevin was ill, I would turn to the bible, or to an online devotional. I would filter my negativity through God’s words to find some solace and comfort. Today, I found this:
“From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this ought not to be so.”
– James 3:10 (NRSV)
It is hard to remember that I am not perfect. It is not that I look at myself and speak of how amazing I am, but it is that I forget that I am capable and allowed to make mistakes. Humanity creates mistakes, not perfection.
Countless times I have beat myself up over and over again about forgetting to do something, to call someone, to send a card, to remember a date, to lock a door, to turn off the coffee maker. Humanity means that I am not perfect. Words that remind me of that are just that: reminders. They are little tidbits of guidance to help me to not make that same mistake again. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.
I am going to make mistakes. I need to allow for this instead of turning those words against myself to create discontent.