I am finding that with this new apartment, working full time again, and passing a monumental anniversary alone, I am feeling a lot of anxiety and depression with moving forward. In a way, I feel like my life is divorced from the past. There is this massive void that is so unexplained, a book full of questions that aren’t answered, and yet, I’m moving forward and passing it. It feels shameful in some ways.
I don’t know how else to describe this new depression, other than it feels wrong to enjoy the new ventures in my life, when I can’t share them with Kevin. I look at his picture tonight, and in my mind, it just can’t comprehend not seeing him anymore. It’s me, and him, and that’s how it should be. It shouldn’t have to move forward with just me.
I think about the pictures I want to put up in the apartment, and while part of me wants to surround myself with a shrine to our lives, to him, I know that also is not healthy in some ways. So I have 2 pictures up of us, and when I opened the box with all my frames, in them were our wedding pictures, beach pictures, trip pictures. I had to close the box up and put it away. It broke my heart to no that the memories from here on out would not include him. All I have of him now is the past.
It’s very sad and depressing. The pain in my back I’m sure is not only a result of overuse, but of the massive amounts of stress I have been holding in the past few weeks just adjusting to all this change at one time. I know Kevin would be happy with what I’m doing. He’d be happy to know, that despite the depression I have been feeling the past week or so as so instense, that I am making good and positive change. I am moving forward in MY life. He never wanted me to sit idly by-he wanted me to make the most.
I want to feel empowered again by moving forward, not depressed by the fact that I’m moving forward without him. Sometimes I think, he’s reading this over my shoulder going “Bren..seriously? I know you’re sad, but you gotta shake it off and look at the OPPORTUNITY.”
When I think of him walking beside me it makes me smile. Makes me encouraged in my steps and decisions. Without the thought of him being with me, makes me feel empty and alone. He’s always with me..I know. It just feels so empty starting over without him.
I know this is hard for you, but in the end it will be good for you! After time you will enjoy being independent- which is what he would want most for you!! Just keep writing away! I am ONE of the stalkers you write too lol :)~
I guess you just have to keep moving forward when you can, and allow yourself to cry and grieve when you have to. I’m glad you’re hearing Kevin’s encouraging words, Brenda…you would be telling him the same thing if he were the one trying to start over, right?