What am I doing?

What am I doing?  No, really.  What is it that I do day in and out that inspires me, drains me, encourages me, floors me, stops me?  I have hit the wall of depression that inevitably ensues upon return from a great vacation.  Now comes the evaluation part after I’ve had a few days to decompress, relax, explore new things.  What am I doing?

At my writer’s group this week I forced them to set a date for me, to make a plan, proceed with a goal to (EEEEEK) commit to something.  Memoir.  Finished.  End of year.  This seems huge, lofty, it seems big, but behind that there is a schedule, check ins, progress reports & updates, variances if needed.  That helps.  Considering that in addition to this end of year goal, I also have an end of year goal to pay off as much “dumb debt” as possible, it seems kind of perfect that these two goals coincide.

Sunday I’m supposed to run a 5k.  Ok, let’s be real, I’m gonna walk/run a 5k in solidarity with a 5k happening in Oxford Massachusetts for Angiosarcoma Awareness.  What about my body?  It hurts, it aches.  On vacation I realized how out of shape I truly am, how much I hate the shape of my body, the way it gets in the way of so many things.  It used to be just my brain that got in the way of things, but now my body too?  So tonight, I’m hiking with friends, and I hope to continue that.  I want to do more than that, so I’m reaching out to those who ARE healthy, seeking advice, direction, motivation.  Needing a starting point, a purpose and something greater to get myself out of my own way.

What am I doing?  I’m still not quite sure, but I’d really like to live.  Really live.  Maybe even dream a little bit about the future more than a few days in advance.  Future.  Hm.

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Comments 3

  1. What happened to the C25K? I started that last week and I am loving it! If you stopped that you might want to try to get on track with it again.

  2. Sounds like a good attitude and a great start to me. One foot in front of the other. That’s all it takes.

  3. It sounds like you are doing exactly what you need to do to keep moving…tell others around you what you are hoping for so they can check in with you and help to motivate you on those days that you aren’t really feeling it.

    Hey…I’ve walked/run all of the 5k events I’ve done. I’ve long since given up the pride issue that I must run the whole thing, although it is a goal someday. Let me know if I can help motivate at all 🙂

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