Choosing Past, Present and Future

Tonight I turned on the “tube”, and got stuck on the channel featuring Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. I grew up watching this show with my parents, a particular favorite of my mom’s. At first, I stayed on the channel, in awe of the bad cinematography and acting, but what kept me there was the plot. Little did I know that this was a two-part part of the series titled “Return Engagement.” I don’t seem to have remembered that Dr. Quinn’s first fiance was killed in war, nor that her boyfriend Sully’s wife had also been killed. When I was younger did I understand what widowhood was all about? Doubtful.

The episode’s focus is on a mysterious man that comes to town asking for a nature guide, Sully (Dr. Quinn’s boyfriend). Towards the end of the episode, after numerous clues, it comes out that the mysterious visitor is Dr. Quinn’s thought-to-be-dead fiance. He was mistaken for dead during the war, and he never came back to tell anyone he was alive. While walking west, he heard about a Dr. Quinn and came to see if she was really there. The second part of the episode focuses on Dr. Quinn’s difficult choice of choosing between Sully, with whom she just became engaged, and her former fiance, David.

My boy once posed the question to me, after I told him I had a dream that Kevin was still alive, and I was dating the boy. In my dream, I was distraught over my feelings and choices. Kevin was no longer the same man, and I had such love for my new boy. I woke up with no answer. I still cannot answer. Maybe it has to do with not wanting to, but two years after Kevin’s death, I am a different person, in a different life. Could I just turn back now and go to Kevin? I don’t know anymore.

There have and are days when I wish that I had never lost Kevin, hoping that he was here now. Every widow(er) wishes this along this journey, but my life is so different now. I look in the mirror tonight, a much more natural person than I was when I was with Kevin. I see a new person in these eyes.

I still cannot, and will not, answer the boy’s question. I do not ever want to be forced to choose, as it would not be fair to Kevin, in his passing, or the boy, in our relationship. I just know that now, in this life, the chapter 2, I am quite happy to be with him and to have new love. I am glad I am not Dr. Quinn, having to make that choice.

For the record, she chose Sully. Not because she didn’t love David, she even told Sully she will always love him. She chose Sully because he was her present and her future. There’s something to be said for seeing the future, as scary as it is.

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Comments 2

  1. hmm … interesting, thoughtful post.
    I have not lost a spouse, so I can’t imagine the changes one goes through … the closest I can relate is having gone through horrific injuries, I lost the me I was before. It’s been a journey to come to grips with my new unwanted body. Though I wish the accident hadn’t happened (and probably will till the day I die) in some ways, mind and spirit, I realizing that I like the new me now.

    And you are so right … we don’t have the past, we only have the present and the future.

  2. I have often though about whether if given the chance I would be with TJ again. I am very different now and while I think he would like the new me, our relationship would be very different also.

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