I think I’m angry.
This isn’t an emotion I’ve ever really let myself feel. I’ve allowed myself to be sad, depressed, miserable. I’ve been overjoyed, happy, in love. Anger has always been pushed down, refused, resented, not allowed.
When I think back to every person who has expressed anger in my presence, I remember being afraid of them, of what the anger would drive them to do. I remember giving it less than a minute before yelling at them to please, stop being angry, because it frightened me.
I am terrified of anger.
This is a whole new revelation to me folks. When I think back to three particularly strong memories in my life which involved anger, I can immediately recall them as if I have a photographic memory. I remember the people, the place, my age (young) and how their anger made me feel. And every time, it was terrifying, even if it wasn’t a major situation (no abuse, don’t worry about that). I was so scared. I was raised in a pacifist household, in the Mennonite church; anger was not really promoted.
I am still scared of anger.
So now, when I want to feel anger, instead, it’s suppressed. It comes out as sarcasm, cynicism, jokes that aren’t really jokes, negative remarks. Never anger, because anger is not allowed.
How does one even begin to turn this thought process around?
I worry about what will happen if I don’t get the anger out in some form. Clay pigeon shooting for work was pretty fun this week, maybe that’s a good aggressor; doesn’t hurt anyone. I even googled “how to release anger” this week. This was the most helpful: “The truth is that no emotion is negative unless we refuse to feel it. That’s when it becomes destructive” I guess so many years of refusing to feel anger, maybe now it’s become destructive.
But that’s not how I deal with things. I work with them, I mold them how I have to, I figure out a way to work through them and deal with them. It’s what I did with my PTSD through therapy, and it’s what I’ll do know. But I need an outlet.
Shooting Range Membership?
How do you do work through your anger? How do you let yourself feel it, and the move on from it?