Am I prepared to face two years? Do I have a choice? Today marks 23 months since Kevin left this world. That first year passed so quickly, and the weeks before and after the year marker was filled with weddings, photoshoots, swine flu, and enough stress to make me nearly forget the date. This year, life is a bit quieter, and I have more time to reflect on the date ahead.
When I asked my friends their emotional word of the day, one mentioned “pensive”. I could not have thought of that word to fit my mood over the past 24 hours if I had a dictionary opened to “P”. I was completely annoyed and flustered yesterday. Everything pissed me off, and I lacked any type of concentration. Today is not much better. The rain continues, and the humidity makes me sweaty and cranky. My new contacts continue to bug me, and I am extremely irritable. I am pensive.
Chalk it up to an insane schedule, my first test of the semester today, 23 months, or any number of things, but so many times I find that the underlying cause of many of my mood swings comes simply down to grief. Virtually any emotion that we face while grieving always seems to be compounded by the direct cause of grief, of loss. Instead of being just annoyed with people, we’re annoyed with people, on top of being jealous of them. Take any emotion and twist it to what a widow might feel, and wow, it’s a full gumbo of nasty muck.
Where is that beauty in brokenness that I once felt? Now it is just confusion. As I move forward to two years without Kevin, to creating a new life with someone else, to finishing my degree and contemplating where my career life will go, I feel nothing but confusement instead of passion, excitement, or even hope.
So where am I? Where’s the girl with the PLAN, with the dreams, with the itinerary?