I have always been an excitable, worrying, person, but when Kevin became sick, I became an anxious woman. Anxiety attacks began the night of Kevin’s first surgery, and have come and gone since that time. 15 months ago, I went on anti-depressants for the first time ever in my life, and now I am beginning the steady and minimal reduction of the meds to be med-free.
The first week, my anxiety was higher and more difficult to control, but I think much of that was ‘mental’-worrying that I would have an anxiety attack because I am coming off of my meds. Now, as I enter nearly an entire month on a lower dosage, I am trying my best to combat the symptoms of the med reduction.
My sleeping has gotten worse-I am dreaming a lot, and not able to stay asleep through the night. I wake up several times before my alarm goes off and never fall into that deep sleep. I am exercising and reading grief books to not only combat against any depression that may seep in, but also to deal with some of the issues that are still plaguing me.
Today is a tough day-as I’m organizing my blog into categories so that my readers can find applicable topics more quickly, I am reviewing the blogs from when I first lost Kevin. It is a great reflection to see how far I have progressed in the grief process, but it also saddens me to see what I went through. Bereaving is such a difficult process.
I have always been a person who deeply cares for others, and cares about what others think of myself. This has hindered me in both directions. I am struggling with dealing with my own anxieties, and others as well. It becomes hard, especially in a relationship, to be a support to others when I am having such difficulty finding balance in my own life. I pride myself in supporting others, and become quickly disappointed in my inability to provide comfort to them, support in the ways they need, and be a great listening ear to them. It angers me that after others share their concerns with me that I feel overwhelmed, bombarded, unable to sort through their issues that are now compounded on top of mine.
One day at a time I will take for now, and hope that I can continue moving forward and finding ways to support others while still dealing with my own issues.