I am hard on myself. I criticize myself for not seeing my friends enough, for not spending every moment with my friends or family whenever they are able, for not being as flexible as I’d like, for not working out enough, for not completing goals.
I cannot do it all.
Thanks to a great fellow blogger who writes a blog called “Andi Lit” (http://www.andilit.com/?p=806) I got a taste of medicine I needed this morning:
“Perhaps this is part of what Jesus meant when he said, “If your first concern is to look after yourself, you’ll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you’ll find both yourself and me.” (Matthew 10:39b). Perhaps part of finding our joy is found in losing ourselves for others and, therefore, for God.”
Maybe my focus is skewed? Sometimes I feel so involved in what has happened in my life that I lack empathy and patience for other’s situations. Some days I can handle it, others I cannot. I see friends wavering, and falling, but I cannot muster up the strength to carry them through. I have tried before, and they are back here again, and I cannot help them again. Or can I? Is it selfish to back away and let the situation roll on? The old adage ‘I cannot help those who cannot help themselves’ comes into mind, but how many others helped me when I could not help myself? But now I am stronger again, of more sound mind. I cannot say I have not made wrong choices, I certainly have, but so many of the things I was handed in life were not a choice, but a situation in which I was handed.
Some days I feel like a failure. I have not lost a pound in nearly 5 months, after losing 30 in 4 months this past fall. I have exercised some, ate ok, but definitely not great, and I know how important my health is, but where is the motivation to back those thoughts? Where is my time? I thought being done with school meant time, but I have yet to find that!
I want to do everything, but most of all, I want to succeed. I want to be happy in my new relationship and nurture that, but I also need to support my friends and honor the time and relationships we have. I want to be a part of my family and join in their activities, but sometimes I just cannot. I want to do everything everyone offers to me, but I cannot. And in that, I feel guilt-sometimes others add to my guilt. I know I do that-the “oh man, I’m so disappointed you can’t go”, or “you’re a party pooper”-I have fed that line to friends, but when it’s fed to me, it makes me feel like a failure. I cannot do it all.
Sorry, I’m going on a tangent, a rant, a struggle of how to feel. I’m beating myself up, but I am not sure over what. How do we let go, let live, and be content with the choices we make? It is time for that. I am happy to help, to be there for others, I want to change lives, to open up doors of communication, but I cannot do it all. I can only take a step, and hope the timing comes together.