Someone told me last night about how life is 10% exactly how we worried it may turn out, or worse, but often, those situations are blessings in disguise. I had to swallow that one. One of the things I have hated hearing when I lost Kevin has been “it’s a blessing in disguise” or “he’s in a better place.” While this person wasn’t referring to my situation, but merely life, it certainly caused me to stop and think.

In a deep sense, feeling like Kevin’s death was a blessing in disguise feels like a betrayal. I think it’s hard to wrap my brain around death being a blessing. While I do believe good things can and have come out of this situation, and that because of his death hopefully many will be helped, and awareness will increase, that doesn’t necessarily minimize the pain felt from his loss. Nor does it make me go: “It was ALL worth it.” It still doesn’t feel worth it.

But death…death is unavoidable. Just as we all came from our mother’s womb, we all shall pass from this world. It is inevitable. Why do we fear it so much? Why does it hurt so badly? The immense joy of new life, is the exact depth of feeling for the life that is taken, but it seems to linger much longer. Why does something hurt so badly that is “expected”-something we shall all face?

I do believe good HAS come from losing Kevin. I am not at the point, and I don’t know that I will ever be at the point, to admit that the good that has come from his passing feels worth it. I just don’t feel that I can weigh this loss with the good that may come with it. It undermines his life. However, I do believe it was meant to happen, to Him, to me.

I cannot say it was the life I would have wanted or chosen, but it was the life I was given. I do not want to let my life pass me by, constantly thinking about what life could have been. All I know is THIS life. This life that has handed me more than I could already imagine, and a life that will continue to bless me in ways I cannot even begin to yet imagine. Often, what we want, is not what is meant to happen. The timing isn’t perfect, but it is.