Yes, there are possibly 8-18″ of snow coming. Am I happy? I’m THRILLED. I am one of those annoying people who love snow, crave it, ask for it, get all kiddy like a 5 year old waiting at the door with her sled and snowsuit. It used to drive Kevin CRAZY how much I loved snow, considering he hailed from the the land of subzero temperatures and an abundance of snow. But for Pennsylvanians, a good ole’ snow storm only happens maybe once every other year. Bring it!
The storms of life are also continuing. I got smacked in the head, literally, with a nasty sinus infection which put me down and out. Halting my routine of eating well, exercising, and feeling good about life, it’s put me into a funk that I don’t enjoy. The upcoming Holidays, instead of being gleeful and hopeful, just feel melancholy and a bit sorrowful. The second Christmas without Kevin is not a celebration. It still have a bit of mourning, but at least this year, it is not quite so fresh.
With a few failed dating experiences under my belt, I’m sure it doesn’t help my loneliness. It seems that once you have experienced, know, and understand what an amazing love can be, it is harder to find that again. I don’t feel a necessity to find love again, or some time limit, but it certainly would be nice to have someone check in on me, go to the movies, hang out with of the male variety. I miss companionship above all else, and as much as my cat Darrell tries, he’s just not that good at cuddling.
Wrapping up an entire calendar year without Kevin is also not an accomplishment, but yet is is. It is a true mark of my survival, my ability to live amongst grief, the challenges I have faced moving forward in a world where so many face grief and illness each year.
While facing 2009 was a tough challenge, facing 2010 seems an easier one. I finally have a brace on my life, a structure that I enjoy, and even a few dreams for the future. I miss him every day-thinking more and more about him and the plant and slippers that I would get for Christmas.
Our first Christmas he bought me the “elements” Wind Chime, Water Fountain, and a candle that was forged from a rock crystal. It was so co0l and thoughtful. I still have the slippers he got for me on our last Christmas together, and the Christmas Cactus he bought me one year is just about to bloom their beautiful pink flowers.
Fond memories, wish there had been more. But mainly wish he was still here to create new ones every year. But instead, just memories under the tree this year.
Please keep in mind those who are missing loved ones this year, who are struggling to make ends meet, who need extra love, attention, and courtesy especially this season.
“Wrapping up an entire calendar year without Kevin is also not an accomplishment, but yet is is. It is a true mark of my survival, my ability to live amongst grief, the challenges I have faced moving forward in a world where so many face grief and illness each year.”
Absolutely. Don’t ever let yourself undervalue this accomplishment. I don’t know how you do it, but I am in awe of the challenges you have faced and overcome in a few short years. “Overcome” is probably not the right word, but you know what I mean.
Wishing you a happy (and healthy!) holiday season with lots of kitty cuddles 🙂
I just got caught up on your blog after returning from a visit to Illinois and spending hours trying to get all the piled-up grading done…still have much more to do! Well, you got your SNOW, girl!!! I’m sure you are out frolicking in it right now. Just don’t do what I did my first year in college…saw a huge snow drift on the campus and decided to do a ‘seat drop’ into it, using my best trampoline skills. What I didn’t know was that the snow wasn’t really a big drift…it was covering a fire hydrant. OUCH! Leap safely, Bren!
Best wishes for your “ME” project in 2010. I can’t wait to see what you’ll be saying about it a year from now!