A friend Bryan finally had the guts to share his demons. He stepped out on a very shaky limb, and shared his concerns. It is awesome, I’m proud of him. I have been fighting through my own demons the past few days, weeks, months, maybe even going on years. The “What’s Next?” anxiety.
Last night, in my usual widowhood/grief/frustration, I felt that privilege. I realized this morning that there seem to be two extremes to my grief related depression. Privilege and unworth. I compare myself a lot. More than I would like to admit. I have touted that grief is really incomparable, that we each have our own background and situations that contribute to our loss. We feel the same emotions, but at different times, different levels. This doesn’t stop me from feeling that my grief is overrated or underrated at times.
I didn’t have children. Therefore my grief should be less. I’m not raising a now fatherless child. I was only married 1.5 years to Kev. Therefore my grief could be more or less-we only had x amount of time, or, we had so many precious years together, why now? I compare.
Opportunities have been sent my way, and I think, I DESERVE this. This is my big break, something good is going to happen in my life now, because I have been through such crap before. My husband died. I get the good part of life now! This isn’t the case. But then I think, well, X person lost a, b AND c, and so they should deserve this, not I. What makes me better? What makes me less?
I feel neither deserving of the blessings I have received, yet I also feel that it’s about damn time something good happen in my life. I’m in a conundrum.
Tomorrow I start motorcycle safety courses to get my motorcycle license. I am proud of myself for doing something I wanted to do 8 years ago, for crossing something off my bucket list. But then last night, I think, what if I die, what if my family has to feel the grief I have had to with Kevin. Conundrum.
What did death teach me if not to take risks, to live life to its fullest, to complete all the cliched quotes I have mentioned? What did I learn?
Again, you seem to be able to articulate some of the thoughts and feelings that are just banging around inside my head. Adding to it is that sometimes I feel guilty for having good things come my way — after all, my husband didn’t get those things, he got a premature death. And I wouldn’t be in the place I am today if he were still alive. Ugh.
I think the point I’m at now is the point where I say, “Okay…now what?” And i just don’t know! All we can do is take it one day at a time, I guess. Just try to make the most of your life, one day and one opportunity at a time, and encourage others to do the same. Someday maybe you can create opportunities for others (who you may have had “more” loss or pain – though, again, it is impossible to really compare), or inspire them to seek out their own paths.
Thanks for sharing Wendy-I like to hear it when words I say re-iterate in someone else’s life. I completely get what you mean about the guilt factor!
I think in a way our grief is all the same, yet very very different. I know that may sound odd, but I think we all experience the same feelings just at different times and different extents. Brenda, it is only normal that you are anxious about your future, I know I am. We didn’t expect to be widowed and yet here we are so who knows what else life is going to throw at us?! Take your time and think through your opportunities, there is no need to rush anything. All that you deserve will come to you in time.