Dear Kevin

I cannot believe it has been over 11 months since I have seen you, held you, talked to you. You are in my thoughts every single day. I feel robbed of your presence here on earth, and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish things were different.

I am trying to look at life as a lesson, as a gift of wisdom that I have been given, but it feels impossible to look at you passing from this world as a gift to me. I am grateful you are no longer in pain, no longer suffering, but I selfishly wanted you to stay here with me, even if that meant you would have to suffer through.

So much has happened since you left. I have gotten to travel to places you would have loved to seen. Maybe not Las Vegas, you never were into that, but you would have loved San Francisco and Seattle. The beautiful Pacific coast would have beckoned you to come fish, I just know it.

I even got out to the beach a lot this summer. The Jeep did well until it rusted beyond repair, but I got some great times out on Assateague, but not one fish. Yes, you heard me, not one fish. I still think that somehow you had something to do with that. If you can’t fish, no one can huh?

I moved out with Kristi-she’s finally heading to Canada soon. You would be happy for her. It’s been great to have her and Marty continue their relationship so that I can stay close with him. Not all of your friends have been receptive to keeping in touch with me, but neither have all of my friends. I have lost some since losing you, and that just sucks. I can’t believe some people can’t get over themselves to support me, but that’s life right?

I haven’t done well with the gym, in fact, I let my membership run out. I just couldn’t face going there without you, and seeing all our old friends, constantly being asked what happened to you and where you were. How do you tell them that you’ve died? How could I continue dropping that bomb on your unsuspecting peers?

I grew my hair out longer-you would like it. There have been times I’ve been tempted to cut it, but I just keep letting it grow, imagining how much you would like it. I know I can’t live always thinking of what you would want or would like, but it’s so hard to move forward.

I have continued writing, and have even gone back to school. I should be done with my Associate’s degree in the spring and then? So many options. I need to figure out what I’m feeling, where I want to be…I’m not sure it’s in Lancaster.

I miss you incredibly. I imagine what you would say to me in certain situations, or how much better life would be if you were her to share it with. There have been so many things I wish you could have enjoyed with me, and there will continue to be many more.

I still can’t bring myself to make the calls about medical bills, it’s just a heartache to drudge up that whole scenario. I know I need to, and the forces are upon me for that, but where do I start? I still get calls for you, and everytime it’s like a stab to the heart. How do they know you’re not here when my world has stopped because you’re no longer in it.

I hate that a year is coming, an entire year without you next to me, near me, talking me through it. I miss your voice assuring me not to worry, to get on with it, to be decisive and confident, to take care of myself…calling me your BrendaBoo and telling me how much you love me. I miss soo much more than that, but if I say anymore than that, my heart will continue to pull…

I just wish you were here to tell me what to do to move forward. I know you’d be telling me to get on with it, to be happy again. I find happiness, but it hasn’t lasted. When will it come around and stay a while?

I’m scared to take those steps, to do this completely on my own without looking back with regret, imagining what I did or didn’t do, what I should have said or done, how much harder I should have worked to get stronger treatment. I feel like I failed in some ways, but I know you were proud of me. I know you were.

I need a sign from you. Something. I found that message you sent to your friend Rich in Canada after he lost his wife. It said specifically that you’d want me to move on, to find love again, because no one should have to be alone. Yet you acknowledged that if you were to lose me first, that it would feel impossible to move on. You knew what I would face, I just wish you knew how I should move forward.

I will never forget you, or the love that you taught me. We had an amazing love, and I know you were my soul mate. I knew that the moment we first talked…it sounded crazy to both of us, but as soon as we first met in person, it affirmed that. That Crazy, Crazy love, just like our song.

I wish I had more time with you, to build a family, to grow old together, but for whatever reason that wasn’t meant to be. So now what do I do?

I miss you babe. I wish I knew what to do. I wish I knew how to forget ahead. I love you.

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Comments 1

  1. Brenda…
    A beautiful letter… a testament…wisdom here too.
    You continue to teach me as you write…
    hugs my friend

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