Crying over food is not something I do often, as one can tell by looking at my less than svelte figure. I love food. I have never been the type of widow who has no appetite, nope. For me, food=comfort. I swore off sweets for a day, probably the first time I haven’t enjoyed A sweet in months! Good for me, but the next day, on the accumulation of bad news, I ended my day with a McDonald’s vanilla milkshake. And yesterday, I had a pizza. Lots of veggies, but still, a pizza.

Last night, despite my lack of hunger, I ate dinner with the boy. Just a nice meal of what he had at his place, and as we spoke about my dad’s diagnosis, my Grandma’s health, the impending doom of the two year anniversary of Kevin’s death, I just broke. I bawled at the dinner table, over my food.

Before I knew it, we were both crying. For our frustrations of life, for the communication of pain we felt together, for everything that we had no control over, and the lack of change we have been able to implement over our own dreams. We salted our dinners with our own tears.

Today I feel clearer-the tears maybe washed a bit of that digust at life away. I think more about my “realist” attitude and am starting to realize it may be more negative than real, and very unhealthy. Part of my discussions with friends yesterday made me realize that cancer is so prevalent, not just in my own life, but all of ours. Are we really that surprised anymore when we hear the word? Don’t we all expect to face it at some point in life?

Why should it be on the forefront of my health concerns? I believe part of me feels like maybe I should continue with my unhealthy ways because no matter what, I’m screwed. Now THAT’S negative.

I do not want to live that way. I want to know that I can implement change in my life, that I am able to create better opportunities for me and my family. I want to know that I do have control over SOME THINGS-in that, even if I don’t know the end result, I can help myself to live a higher quality life than I do now. It will mean living with less, doing more of my weak qualities to become better at them, and releasing the anxiety of control. But it has to be done. I want to be real in realism, not negative within that mode.