Yes, Faith is purposely mis-spelled. Cheesy, yes, but it’s missing I. I am missing my faith. Not completely, it’s still there, but it’s missing a lot of key components. I felt very overwhelmed last night and this morning. I’m right at the two year mark of when Kev first become symptomatic-when things were going downhill quite quickly and we had no clue what was ahead of us, or what was growing in his body. I look back at my blogs when the journey first began, and how faith centric I was. I was content with leaving the situation in God’s hands, yet trusting that God’s plans was in our favor. I never wanted to imagine that it would end without Kevin living.
I would say that my trust in God is pretty low. I still cannot wrap my head around blaming God, but do I? Yes. I see our prayers are unanswered. I see Kevin having been taken from my life, and I have no understanding from it. I continue to see cancer tragedies and wonder why and question the reasoning for all the hurt in this world. I feel…abandoned.
What I would love is to find a church home, and in that home, see faith, feel faith, and see God working miracles that did not happen for me. If I could see and sense that, I feel like I could work on the full faith again. I am definitely lacking spiritual connection, and I do believe that is part of the reason my life feels so manic, and why my burdens feel so heavy.
I would like to build a full faith again, and I keep thinking I am ready to start, but I can’t seem to put one foot in front of the other to build and develop that journey again. I cannot seem to let go of the pain I feel on this earth and put it onto a God I feel failed me in some ways. Say what you will, think what you want, but I feel failed in many ways when it comes to my Chapter one journey of life.
There is something higher, I’m just not quite ready to trust in that yet. I’d like to though-it’d like to build a future in something greater than myself.