When a door closes, however gently, with tons of smiles, hugs, and advice behind them, it still hurts. The fact is, I’m learning I’m not qualified to speak. My widowhood only lends me the ability to share my story, not the opportunity to dole out advice. I can be a shoulder, a listener, a sharer, but only on what I know of MY story. That was hard to hear.
I have heard this a few times as I pursue speaking in public, and have learned that for now, that door is closed. What I am good at, is writing. I don’t know if it’s just that I don’t want to put the work in, or I have some unfounded fear of success, but every time my writing does well, I think I can chase something else.
The reality of my writing doing well, is that the more I pursue it, the better it becomes. The more I put my thoughts into words in print, people will read them, then lives may be touched. “Continue with it Brenda”, that’s what I need to assure myself.
The memoir continues to weigh on me-the hope of finishing it. The sad thing is, I have only spend about 3 hours working on it this entire month, the month of NaNoWriMo (Nation Novel Writing Month). It is sad; it saddens me. I was so emotionally drained from another door being closed, that I could not muster up enough emotion and drive to work on the memoir during my specifically allotted writing time. I am looking forward to completing college in the next several weeks, and to use the energy focused on that pursuit, to FINISH the memoir.
I often chase too many things. In fact, it was something Kevin would get frustrated about. He would streamline me back to my original goal, and while I would be disappointed at having to give up the other thing, I knew he was right. I’m “flighty” – constantly changing my mind, my goals, my routines. And when it all becomes too much, I get stressed out and want to give up. Where, if I had just continued and completed my original goal, imagine how accomplished I would then feel?
I am back. Back to the memoir, to doing what I know best, which is to simply and passionately write my story. That is the knowledge that I know well – the story of Kevin and I. People want to hear it, they need to hear it. Without finishing it, no one will.
Please help me focus.
All of us have to bring ourselves back to center, all the time.
Set small goals for yourself, Brenda. If I could offer some friendly advice it would be to get away from the goal of “finishing my memoir,” and break it up into 10-20 smaller, specific, more manageable chunks, things like “finish such-and-such story” and “write 10 pages about that experience.”
Good luck! Keep writing! We’re cheering for you.
Definitely cheering for you. Keep going!
Also, don’t beat yourself over the head about not getting your writing done. You’re going through enough emotions already without adding guilt. Like Shawn said make small goals, you’ll feel more accomplished and more motivated to keep going.
I also agree with Shawn in that all of us have to bring ourselves back to center. I’m often asking myself what my own focus should be. I get on tangents quite a lot…
I promise to buy your memoir when it gets published! I’ve thought about writing mine but would want it published posthumously! For now, I am happy blogging and publishing short online articles on whatever catches my fancy!
I know you just finished school, right? But do you have to work to support yourself at a “regular” job? Guess i need to read your blog more to find out.
THANK YOU. Unfortunately, yes, I do need to work a regular job to pay bills. In fact, I’m looking at my bills tonight and going, how am I going to pay for all this?? Thank you for your encouragement. I love writing. I’ll finish my degree and graduate December 18!