Thoughts (via Tweet) from last evening:
“An odd amount of sadness washed over me as I prepared my apartment for my departure. What if I never returned? I felt the grief of others.
I rarely think of my death, but now that I have, I wish none to feel the grief I felt in losing Kev; I wish that pain upon not even the worst.
I imagine the pain that others would feel having to look at my stuff as they sorted through my life, a combination of my things, and Kevs.
I feel ill thinking that anyone I love has to feel that pain. I need to live a long long time. I want to. I’d rather feel loss than them.”
Morbid, right? While I was sad at the thought, it didn’t feel morbid to me. Maybe that’s because death is so intertwined in my life. Today I feel refreshed, energized, ALIVE. I leave tomorrow on a great expedition to San Jose, Costa Rica for my first travel writing trip for Wyndham Resorts. It will be amazing. As I packed last night, the thought that I may not return made me stop and think about the feelings of grief.
I know that we will all face some sort of grief in our lifetime, some amazing loss that will impact our heart and soul. If I could protect you, my friends, my family, from that pain, I would. I would rather live to feel that pain, than to have you feel that pain. It is immense. Just the thought of anyone I love having to feel that nearly doubles me over. But I cannot protect them from loss, I can only know that I will be a shoulder to cry on when they too, feel those deep emotions of loss.
The moments of sadness last night broke through to vitality this morning. I am alive, and I am excited to live, not fearful to die. I like this perspective!
Check back at my blog this week, while I’m away, for some awesome guest posts by other widows that relates to some very current events.
Have a great trip. Enjoy every moment even the challenging ones!
Your words touched me as I am having a similar experience. After my partner’s death, I was surprised at the incredible pain I felt after realizing that the people I love will likely have similar losses.