I never imagined that I would EVER say this, but I woud give anything for the distance between Kevin and I, just to be immigration and us in different countries. I could deal with that for a lifetime again if it meant he was stil here-that I could talk to him and our lives could go on.
I would give anything to care for him for years and years with him battling forward with this disease, despite how selfish of me that is. I would happily care for him for a lifetime if it meant he was still here.
I would give anything to just see him, smell him, hold him, touch him, talk to him, love him in PERSON, Just because his life ended, does not mean the love has ended. I am still madly and deeply in love with him, but he’s gone. it’s so frustrating.
Today is a sad sad day. I don’t know why, but I am feeling such a burdenous depression today. More so than anything I have felt in days, even weeks. I cant focus, my brain is on a different planet. Thankfully watching the kids today is making my day better and keeping my mind off of it, but my heart is so heavy today. I feel like I’m carrying around tons of grief, because I am.
I don’t know if it was my group grief therapy that stirred something, my lack of sleep from the past few nights, or just that it’s 12 weeks and 1 day. Maybe it’s my frustration with everything just adding up, and the grief is just so much more evident then. I don’t know. I hate this feeling. I know this is normal, but it sucks.
I truly think the last time I felt this sad and angry and depressed was over a month ago. I think the worst was just flipping through pictures on the computer this morning, of our apartment and Darrell..and him. I see my smiling Kevin with his handsome blue eyes, strong jaw, nice tan, and great muscles, haha. I see him and just can’t imagine that THAT life is gone. It’s not gone for me. It isn’t. In my mind, he is still my husband, in my mind..he’s just..welll, no. I know he’s gone. I’m not that little past the grief that I don’t know he’s not coming back. I realize that. It’s just….the understanding of it all. There’s absolutely no understanding, and I think that’s why it feels so overwhelming to accept.
My faith is unsteady. It’s not that it isn’t there, but, I’m angry. I don’t understand God at all. I don’t hate him, but I don’t really want to talk to him right now. My grief therapist says that’s ok-that’s all part of it. That God can handle it-he’s big enough to handle it. I’m glad He is, because I’m pretty angry right now, and I CAN’T handle it.
I wish I could feel some peace today. I wish something would feel ok today. Nothing does.