I’m doing a project for work that kind of springs up memories, or hope of what could have been my future with Kevin. Looking at places we would have travelled, and how we would have loved to have a place at the beach. Working on getting the Subaru all equipped for summer surf fishing this year (if it can go oversand)-all those things spur up KEVIN in my brain and it’s hard not to think about what has been lost. Of course, those thoughts leave me emotional and always a bit stunned.
Saturday night I attended church for the first time in months. It was a great service about what we called Home. By the end of the night, I had a better handle on thinking about Kevin in an eternal sense. Yes, I only got a few years with him here on earth, but I get an eternity with him in Heaven. While that concept is still fairly surreal to me, it does give me some bits of comfort. It doesn’t necessarily take away from the loss I still feel on earth, but it gives me a greater perspective that he is in a better place. Acknowledging that fact is not always easy-I think him being in a better place would be here..with me. But it’s not the case, and even in my grief I know that.
The snow brought me some joy-the kid-like nature of just being in awe of the pure white snowfall that seems to cleanse the earth. I could hear Kevin’s voice annoyed at the cold, and snow, wishing for me to shut my mouth about how much I love it. We definitely were different climate people. I kind of miss him picking on me about it.
Overall, the feeling of melancholy is strong today, but after a great weekend, sometimes the high joy can give you a bit of deep low. It won’t last though, I am grateful for that. I’ll find a moment of happiness in today, and tomorrow, and the next. Intermingled with the bitter taste of loss, especially nearing the holiday. I miss him. I miss true Happiness and Joy though too, and I’m grateful to have those feelings come forth.
So glad to read that you were able to attend church this past week-end. Not to sound like a broken record, but God has a way of making even the worst things a little more manageable. Even when we don’t feel His presence, He is there! Even when our eyes are too clouded to see His presence, He is there. Praying (honestly!) that you will continue to feel His love and guidance, and can find peace in coming into His house to worship Him – especially this Christmas season!