Glacier National Park - August 2006

I like going back to the places I have visited before, which I know I love.  Assateague.  The Cabin.  There are a few choice spots that I visit regularly because it feels like my second home there.  It’s not a bad thing – I have great memories at these places, so it’s no wonder I travel back again and again and love it everytime.

Traveling to places I love is never a bad thing, but is it preventing me from exploring new places?  I used to be completely spontaneous (ok, not completely-I am the girl who plans her spontaneity…).  I visited 37 states via car by the time I was 22!  New places were exciting and thrilling, not scary.

Now, it’s scary.  While I’m super duper excited about my upcoming trip to Costa Rica, planning trips to new places seems scary, unknown, freaky to me.  I seem to prefer to revisit the places where I feel homey.  Places that make me feel closer to Kevin.

Wow, revelation.

Kevin is in my heart, and he always will be.  It’s hard to accept that I don’t have to visit somewhere to find him.  I carry him with me in my heart.  So, all the new places I explore, a piece of him comes with me.  Anyone else feeling these revelations?

At therapy on Friday, I was told I no longer had to set aside the “big days” for Kevin.  His birthday, our anniversary.  I was told I could LIVE.  Live?  Without acknowledging?  I can let go?  Wow.  Am I even able to do this?  Able, willing, going to…all questions I’m not sure I can answer.  I know that I want to, and I want to be able to.  Thursday is his birthday; Can I make it a day about me instead of a day mourning him?

I really want to live.  I want to go to new places like I used to, with the child-like enthusiasm, and disregard for risk, that I used to have.  My life feels like a lot of “used to” these days, and I think it’s time to switch to “going to” and “am doing”.

What can I do to initiate spontaneity in my life again?