I am not the woman I once was.
I’m not her.
I’m def. not her.
This girl wasn’t me either.
I have gone through a rebirth. Kevin’s death was most likely the catalyst, but the series of events that have tackled my life since his death in late 2008 has formed who I am today. But who is this person now?
I find myself saying “I don’t know” a lot these days. I seem to be having a very difficult time defining my dreams, hopes, desires, my life. Every word that I would put into that description has a counterpart – some part of its definition that does not fit. The mold that I had created for my life is gone and in without that, I feel lost and alone.
How do I live without my securities? When it really is just me. I have relationships on which I can rely, but they cannot figure life out for me, only I, with the grace of God, can do that. The thing is, I don’t really trust God anymore. At least, that’s what I figured out in therapy. I prayed for something, something that didn’t happen. Has God always answered my prayers? No, he hasn’t. Why does this make the difference?
I don’t know where I sit on most things happening in my life. I have questions and decisions to be made financially, professionally, with friends, future goals, etc. These are all things that really alter my life. But what about the heart of me? Where does that stand? Who is this girl?