Who is this girl?

I am not the woman I once was.

Senior Picture - 2002

I’m not her.

Queen of Sales for my Mary Kay Unit - 2007

I’m def. not her.

25th Birthday - 2009

This girl wasn’t me either.

I have gone through a rebirth.  Kevin’s death was most likely the catalyst, but the series of events that have tackled my life since his death in late 2008 has formed who I am today.  But who is this person now?

I find myself saying “I don’t know” a lot these days.  I seem to be having a very difficult time defining my dreams, hopes, desires, my life.  Every word that I would put into that description has a counterpart – some part of its definition that does not fit.  The mold that I had created for my life is gone and in without that, I feel lost and alone.

How do I live without my securities?  When it really is just me.  I have relationships on which I can rely, but they cannot figure life out for me, only I, with the grace of God, can do that.  The thing is, I don’t really trust God anymore.  At least, that’s what I figured out in therapy.  I prayed for something, something that didn’t happen.  Has God always answered my prayers?  No, he hasn’t.  Why does this make the difference?

I don’t know where I sit on most things happening in my life.  I have questions and decisions to be made financially, professionally, with friends, future goals, etc.  These are all things that really alter my life.  But what about the heart of me?  Where does that stand?  Who is this girl?

Brenda Sieglitz

Brenda Lee Sieglitz is an author and public speaker whose topics focus on travel, grief, and nature. Widowed in 2008 at 24 years of age, Brenda is an advocate for sarcoma patients, the widowed community, and conservation through her volunteerism with the National Park Service, Lancaster County Conservancy, Pennsylvania Master Naturalist, Hospice of Lancaster County, Soaring Spirits International, Angiosarcoma Awareness and Highmark Caring Place. Brenda won the 2009 Associated Content “Content of the Year” award, and in 2011 was named one of Wyndham Women’s “Women on their Way”. Most recently her love and loss memoir, Ebb from the Shoreline, won 1st Place Editor’s Choice in Nonfiction at the 2014 North American Book Awards. Sieglitz holds a degree in business and became a Pennsylvania Master Naturalist in 2015. In her spare time, she adores playing with her two nieces, going on family adventures with her husband, stepdaughter and son-in-law, hiking, camping and is working to complete her bucket list dream of visiting all National Park units. Sieglitz has been married to her best friend Dave since 2013 and continues to reside in Lancaster County with their two beagles Scotch and Fina.

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Comments 3

  1. shawn smucker April 5, 2011

    Death always bring about some sort of rebirth. I hadn’t thought of it in the way you describe. It must be difficult/sad/exciting/scary to be in the middle of that process. The only thing I can think to say is, “Let yourself become what you will become.”

  2. Janet Oberholtzer April 5, 2011

    By being her then, you are the you, that you are now (how’s that for a complicated sentence 🙂

    So today … you are you. And you are good. You are enough. Start where you are, breathe, be still …
    “Your vision will become real only when you look into your heart. He who looks outward dreams. He who looks inward awakens.” Jung

  3. Kathleen Noble April 5, 2011

    They say that traveling together is a true test of a relationship – so go, and have a wonderful time together! I can’t wait to see what you write about Costa Rica, a place on my list of “where I want to go.” Still new in our marriage (despite our age!), we spent two weeks in Florida/Caribbean last December and got along great! Dave snorkeled for the first time and we swam with sting rays! There’s something freeing about “getting away” to a totally new and beautiful place…

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