At what point have I filled my schedule up so much that I no longer have to deal with the emotional tolls of widowhood? Because apparently I am trying to do just that. My schedule is INSANE. I cannot breathe. The next 3 nights seem depressingly busy, and March has already been swallowed with obligations. They’re not bad obligations, in fact, most are quite fun. But nonetheless it goes against the grain of my love of having a clear schedule to just DO LIFE.
I feel desperate to make ‘plans’. To secure a date with friends for things to do. I think the fear of eternal loneliness is starting to set in. I’m sick of being by myself. My cat is no longer the best cuddle bunny a gal could have. I want to confide in someone on a regular basis, not just when it’s convenient for them. I want a companion. And without having one, I’m just stuck with filling my schedule with everything that I can so I don’t have to think about the fact that I am alone.
I’m lonely. Let’s face it. LONELY. I am not going to avoid the emotion that is the epitomy of widowhood. Well, I want to, but I can no longer avoid it. Loneliness is eating me piece by wicked piece. So I’m doing everything to not think about it: Eating, planning, stressing…all thes negative influences that I hope will soften the blow of it all. But it’s always there.
I am lonely for Kevin, yes, but that is just part of it. I’m lonely for life with someone else again. It’s not that I’m not happy or content being single-it suits me in my independence, but I miss having stuff to do with people other than my girlfriends (no offense ladies). If you’ve always been single, or just had boyfriends it’s one thing. But when you have had a husband, to become single again, the depth of loneliness is much deeper.
I need to cut back this schedule I think. I have planned to the point of stress, not for enjoyment…