Some days, this is me. The tree in the storm. Deeply rooted to my beliefs, my morals, my past, my home, but my branches are thrown about in the winds of my future, of the turmoils of my present, or the grief of my past.
I have been feeling very melancholy the past couple of days, and sure, it could be a combination of the quick, 15 degree dip in temperatures, or the recent full moon, or going back to school. It could be many things, but I have such trouble pinpointing. Prior to losing Kevin I could classify a “bad day” as just that-maybe work was rough, or I was PMSing, or some idiot driver cut me off, pretty much a slew of things that happen to most of us could cause a bad day.
Now, it could be all those things, compounded by underlying grief. I attempted to explain to someone recently how certain times of the year trigger me: February for my anniversary, April for his birthday, May for mine, July for when it all started, October for his death. Hell, that’s an entire year of triggers! How is that fair to me, or to that person? That doesn’t even include the just-plain-blue days that sneak up on me and cause me to fall asleep the minute I get home from work.
I never have a good reason anymore for a sad day. The typical triggers seem petty and don’t irk me that much, but sometimes, I’m just sad. I’m sad because sometimes, I really do miss him. I’m nearing 2 years since his death and I have to admit that most days I barely think about him. But lately, he’s been on my mind more often, and I have been missing him, and his friendship. His words.
A close friend recently told me she thinks often of him and what he’d be doing. I think a lot of what he would say. I miss my husband, but mostly I miss one of my best friends. I miss his calm words that would just chill all that worries in my head and made sense of me. We were really best friends, and he was that way to all of my friends, and to family. Above all, I think I could say on behalf of everyone, we miss his presence, because that part of him was the most amazing.