The thing about guilt is that it has intruded every facet of my life.
The thing about guilt is that I never really give it up.
My list of lifetime guilts is 4. Pages. Long.
I, apparently, have a lot to feel guilty about; down to not brushing my teeth more often.
4 Pages, on thick glossy cardstock scrap paper, doesn’t burn easy. Not when it’s freezing outside. It’s kind of perfect really.
I’ve carried the items listed on those 4 pages for a very long time. Some goes back to my childhood when I made up tales about where I grew up (one such being that I was from Kentucky; not true). Sometimes I recall those guilts and feel the emotion attached to them all over again. Never releasing the emotion, the pain, the fear. Never finding the forgiveness.
When I was holding the lighter to those 4 pages, each flame kept going out once I put the page in the fire ring. The cold wind would just swallow up the flame, and not allow that list of guilts to disintegrate into ash. But then 1 page caught, and when I put that 1 in with the other 3 pages, they all burnt up together. Smoldering into an ash. Releasing up above with my prayer that with this flame that I could find forgiveness. Not that I would forget, but that I would remember, and move on. That I would not need to be held accountable for some guilt from 20 years ago.
I can’t promise that I won’t still beat myself up about some of things. I can’t promise that I have found remorse in them, that I have corrected or changed my ways on a few of them. I can promise that some of those guilts were merely put upon me by others opinions and what I thought their opinions might be. I can promise that if I think upon them now, I can remember burning them in that fire ring on this night. I can promise that I asked for release, and hell or highwater, that’s what I’m going to push for. Release. Unleashed.
Unleashing myself from the guilt.
Week 2 Challenge: Expectations. This has everything to go with my control issues. How I attempt to control things, how I let others control things, what I expect out of situations, what I expect myself to do, what I expect others to do. My Week 2 challenge is to learn to let these things go. To let happen what will happen and stop fighting it. To give up control. To become more free.
My week 2 challenge is to let go of control and expectations of 1 thing each day and to write down how I did it, how it made me feel, and then follow up on what happened once I did let go.
Here’s to unleashing myself and letting go of control.