The thing about guilt is that it has intruded every facet of my life.
The thing about guilt is that I never really give it up.
My list of lifetime guilts is 4. Pages. Long.
I, apparently, have a lot to feel guilty about; down to not brushing my teeth more often.
4 Pages, on thick glossy cardstock scrap paper, doesn’t burn easy. Not when it’s freezing outside. It’s kind of perfect really.
I’ve carried the items listed on those 4 pages for a very long time. Some goes back to my childhood when I made up tales about where I grew up (one such being that I was from Kentucky; not true). Sometimes I recall those guilts and feel the emotion attached to them all over again. Never releasing the emotion, the pain, the fear. Never finding the forgiveness.
When I was holding the lighter to those 4 pages, each flame kept going out once I put the page in the fire ring. The cold wind would just swallow up the flame, and not allow that list of guilts to disintegrate into ash. But then 1 page caught, and when I put that 1 in with the other 3 pages, they all burnt up together. Smoldering into an ash. Releasing up above with my prayer that with this flame that I could find forgiveness. Not that I would forget, but that I would remember, and move on. That I would not need to be held accountable for some guilt from 20 years ago.
I can’t promise that I won’t still beat myself up about some of things. I can’t promise that I have found remorse in them, that I have corrected or changed my ways on a few of them. I can promise that some of those guilts were merely put upon me by others opinions and what I thought their opinions might be. I can promise that if I think upon them now, I can remember burning them in that fire ring on this night. I can promise that I asked for release, and hell or highwater, that’s what I’m going to push for. Release. Unleashed.
Unleashing myself from the guilt.
Week 2 Challenge: Expectations. This has everything to go with my control issues. How I attempt to control things, how I let others control things, what I expect out of situations, what I expect myself to do, what I expect others to do. My Week 2 challenge is to learn to let these things go. To let happen what will happen and stop fighting it. To give up control. To become more free.
My week 2 challenge is to let go of control and expectations of 1 thing each day and to write down how I did it, how it made me feel, and then follow up on what happened once I did let go.
Here’s to unleashing myself and letting go of control.
Guilt is a tough thing to deal with. I think everyone feels guilt about some things in our lives. Some things will be able to let go, but others I am sure you will continue to carry with you.
Some are definitely harder to shake than others.
I love how you are applying this in weekly goals. So smart, and freeing to reward yourself with each small step. The small steps are what make huge leaps! So proud of you, lovely friend. The guilt is one of the hardest things to carry, yet one of the hardest things to let go. I can empathize with carrying forms of it for most of your life. Even if we unwind one strand of the web, it is one less ounce of weight to bear. <3
I think being conscientious about letting it go is a big help; awareness. Thank you for inspiring these small steps!