October is here and this is typically the month that throws me down the staircase. But for the first time since Kevin’s death, I didn’t feel that apprehension, that warning that it was coming, that terror. I feel a calmness; a sense that I have indeed done some incredible healing, that I am no longer frantically pained by his passing, that I have come far.
Then this morning I reade that Julie died. The last J in the Quad J Cancer Squad. Jennifer died in 2009, Jerry died in 2010, and Jason and Julie passed this year. And well, the fact that all 4 died in that group that I had prayed for, kept tabs on, well that just sucks.
So it starting spiraling me into all the negative thoughts I tell myself when I hear of more cancer and death – that somehow my involvement in their lives is like a poison. And I know this isn’t true. As my friend Megan reminds me, I need to put up a big stop sign whenever those thoughts enter in. I will not allow them.
I’m sad, mostly because I was shocked that I didn’t know Julie had passed, but also because of the timing. I hate bad timing, but my life is full of it. Further reminder that I am not in control of my life and I cannot impose timelines on anything.
October, despite this sad news, is more reflective than sad for me in this 4th year since Kevin’s passing. I miss him, his presence in this world, in my life, but I reflect on the journey we had, the loss, the numbness, the pain, the rebuilding, the flipping to the next chapter.
I honor that time in my life, I honor the journey.
I am strong and they are strong, in spite of our sadness and pains in life, I know that there is a higher calling to this emotion than I can see. I believe the purpose will make this worthwhile even if I never get to experience a smidgeon of the greater good.