Reflection and Loss

October is here and this is typically the month that throws me down the staircase.  But for the first time since Kevin’s death, I didn’t feel that apprehension, that warning that it was coming, that terror.  I feel a calmness; a sense that I have indeed done some incredible healing, that I am no longer frantically pained by his passing, that I have come far.

Then this morning I reade that Julie died.  The last J in the Quad J Cancer Squad.  Jennifer died in 2009, Jerry died in 2010, and Jason and Julie passed this year.  And well, the fact that all 4 died in that group that I had prayed for, kept tabs on, well that just sucks.

So it starting spiraling me into all the negative thoughts I tell myself when I hear of more cancer and death – that somehow my involvement in their lives is like a poison.  And I know this isn’t true.  As my friend Megan reminds me, I need to put up a big stop sign whenever those thoughts enter in.  I will not allow them.

I’m sad, mostly because I was shocked that I didn’t know Julie had passed, but also because of the timing.  I hate bad timing, but my life is full of it.  Further reminder that I am not in control of my life and I cannot impose timelines on anything.

October, despite this sad news, is more reflective than sad for me in this 4th year since Kevin’s passing.  I miss him, his presence in this world, in my life, but I reflect on the journey we had, the loss, the numbness, the pain, the rebuilding, the flipping to the next chapter.

I honor that time in my life, I honor the journey.

I am strong and they are strong, in spite of our sadness and pains in life, I know that there is a higher calling to this emotion than I can see.  I believe the purpose will make this worthwhile even if I never get to experience a smidgeon of the greater good.


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