It’s interesting watching relationships around you change. Couples getting pregnant, inviting their first children into the world. People moving to and fro to be with the ones they love. Those deciding to walk away from love because it’s become too hard. I feel like I’m surrounding by all these scenarios and both the blessings and the hardships in relationships are hard for me to watch.
I’m envious of those who are happy, and hurting for those who are sad. I’m at a point where I’m just exploring what else is out there for me in the way of love and relationships. Seeing if that door to my heart is even open a little bit? I’m not sure.
I believe life is one step a time. While I used to be a planner, now I’m just a do-er. It’s more of what feels right at the moment, I do. And when it feels wrong, I stop, and if it feels right, I continue. It’s a very safe way of doing life without getting hurt or too wrapped up in anything.
Life is changing for me in a lot of ways I guess. I’m officially in summer mode-getting outside, being active, going to the beach, enjoying the sunshine, hanging with friends. It’s a very nice feeling to be part of a season I missed entirely last year.
There are changes happening, hopefully in a positive direction, in my career-both between my jobs and schooling this fall. I’m nervous about how both play out, but again, as long as it feels right, I’ll keep pushing forward.
I survived my first wedding on Saturday-the bittersweetness of it lingering a bit. I’m so happy for their happiness and their commitment to their love and faith. But in that, I see what I had and lost. But maybe someday I’ll have that again.
In one of Kevin’s conversations on Facebook, he wrote to a friend who had lost his wife to cancer, that he couldn’t ever imagine losing me. He didn’t know how he would go on, but that if I ever lost him, that he’d want me to find love again.
That was the one question I never got to ask him before he passed. It’s not that I never beleived he wouldn’t want that for me, but it’s still something you want and almost need to hear to move forward. Reading that conversation and finding the answer to a very important question caused me to burst into tears. It was a conversation I read just days after his passing, but I was in disbelief that I’d ever want to move forward from him love.
I guess seeing all the love, all the changes around me-coming out of my 6 month grief coma, and stepping back into an active world that hasn’t waited for me, I want to see what’s ahead. I’m beliving in the words and the legacies that Kevin left for me. The strength he’s given me and the belief in myself.
It’s important for me to stay true to me, while holding onto him and what we had-the memory will fade, but his love and legacy will forever be a part of who I have now become in this world. I’m scared that in my moving forward I’m going to forget, and that’s why it’s so important for me to focus on the book. To get our memories in writing-to put our love story, and our cancer story, out there. Not just for Kevin’s preservation, but for other’s to see the obstacles that love overcame, and to believe that in disaster, there can be a light, a love, a legacy that withstands it all.