I live a lot of “I Shoulds” in my life these days. I dabble in so many things. I have tried streamlining them so I’m not on so many different plateaus but it seems the things that I wish to make priority usually end up as “I shoulds”. No energy. Is it because I’m recovering from injury? Working through my grief in therapy? Am I so overworked in so many different ways that there is nothing left for my passion and my love? I feel that everday I’m left with the “I shoulds” and then I feel that…I can’t.
I am usually the positive outlook gal. Seeing the light of the end of the tunnel and all that jazz. *shrugs* But I see darkness right now. I see loss. I see frustration instead of inspiration. I’m blinded by the cloudiness of my “I shoulds”.
I gotta turn this tune around. I can’t stand this – this pity party, this woe is me, all the cliches. They drive me nuts and it’s SO unoriginal (stated in my best valley girl voice).
You see, I can. Last night I worked on my media page on the blog. I googled Kev’s name. I googled my name. A lot of stuff came up, stuff I had forgotten about. I read through the opportunities that I pursued and I can say that 75% of those were things I chased after to make happen. I wanted to be a voice for cancer, for grief, for young loss. And I am, not was. I am.
My name comes across google mostly in grief or cancer related items because that’s what my focus has been on. So, you could say that I live in the negative constantly. I don’t see it that way. I don’t think I ever have. I worried others would worry that about me, but I never directly felt that writing about these topics meant I would feel worse about them. When I write and share about these topics, in most cases, I feel empowered by what I survived and the survival of others I have met along this journey.
I set out to become a writer in 2008, before Kevin became ill. He wanted me to write again because I missed it. I tried non fiction but I just couldn’t find a good story. I needed a good story. Kevin gave that to me just 6 months later and I haven’t stopped telling our story since that time.
It hasn’t been about having a degree, or pursuing a certain style of writing; no particular inflection or tone, grammar mistakes along the way, unprofessional at times, other times I shape it up. There’s never been a set of rules to my sharing, and I never felt that there SHOULD be (there’s that word again).
I should be sharing. That’s the thing though, I am. I realized the evidence of it last night.
I should be loving. I do, and the family, friends, and boy that get that love know it, I do believe.
I should rest. Yeah, I’m still not good at that, but I spent probably 75% of my day on my couch, so I’m getting there.
I should heal. Headed back to therapy Thursday and joined the gym (once I get the Dr. ok)…almost?
I should write. Um, check. Doing that RIGHT NOW.
I should market. Have you met my co-op yet?
I should teach. Tomorrow I have 3 piano lessons and a creative writing tutoring appt. Oh yeah.
I should work. Back to it officially on Wed and pursuing how that may change in the future.
I should clean. Well, the dishes will wait. I know the pile is there.
I should travel. Thankfully I have 4 months left to use my Wyndham points and write for Local Nation.
I should play. I need to make a jam night with the boy again so we can keep working on some songs. Yes, we’re collaborating together musically.
So you there, screw the shoulds. You’re doing it.