Screw the Shoulds

I should

  • share
  • love
  • rest
  • heal
  • write
  • market
  • teach
  • work
  • clean
  • travel
  • play
I live a lot of “I Shoulds” in my life these days.  I dabble in so many things.  I have tried streamlining them so I’m not on so many different plateaus but it seems the things that I wish to make priority usually end up as “I shoulds”.  No energy.  Is it because I’m recovering from injury?  Working through my grief in therapy?  Am I so overworked in so many different ways that there is nothing left for my passion and my love?  I feel that everday I’m left with the “I shoulds” and then I feel that…I can’t.
I am usually the positive outlook gal.  Seeing the light of the end of the tunnel and all that jazz.  *shrugs* But I see darkness right now.  I see loss.  I see frustration instead of inspiration.  I’m blinded by the cloudiness of my “I shoulds”.
I gotta turn this tune around.  I can’t stand this – this pity party, this woe is me, all the cliches.  They drive me nuts and it’s SO unoriginal (stated in my best valley girl voice).
You see, I can.  Last night I worked on my media page on the blog.  I googled Kev’s name.  I googled my name.  A lot of stuff came up, stuff I had forgotten about.  I read through the opportunities that I pursued and I can say that 75% of those were things I chased after to make happen.  I wanted to be a voice for cancer, for grief, for young loss.  And I am, not was.  I am.
My name comes across google mostly in grief or cancer related items because that’s what my focus has been on.  So, you could say that I live in the negative constantly.  I don’t see it that way.  I don’t think I ever have.  I worried others would worry that about me, but I never directly felt that writing about these topics meant I would feel worse about them.  When I write and share about these topics, in most cases, I feel empowered by what I survived and the survival of others I have met along this journey.
I set out to become a writer in 2008, before Kevin became ill.  He wanted me to write again because I missed it.  I tried non fiction but I just couldn’t find a good story.  I needed a good story.  Kevin gave that to me just 6 months later and I haven’t stopped telling our story since that time.
It hasn’t been about having a degree, or pursuing a certain style of writing; no particular inflection or tone, grammar mistakes along the way, unprofessional at times, other times I shape it up.  There’s never been a set of rules to my sharing, and I never felt that there SHOULD be (there’s that word again).
I should be sharing.  That’s the thing though, I am.  I realized the evidence of it last night.
I should be loving.  I do, and the family, friends, and boy that get that love know it, I do believe.
I should rest.  Yeah, I’m still not good at that, but I spent probably 75% of my day on my couch, so I’m getting there.
I should heal.  Headed back to therapy Thursday and joined the gym (once I get the Dr. ok)…almost?
I should write.  Um, check.  Doing that RIGHT NOW.
I should market.  Have you met my co-op yet?
I should teach.  Tomorrow I have 3 piano lessons and a creative writing tutoring appt.  Oh yeah.
I should work.  Back to it officially on Wed and pursuing how that may change in the future.
I should clean.  Well, the dishes will wait.  I know the pile is there.
I should travel.  Thankfully I have 4 months left to use my Wyndham points and write for Local Nation.
I should play.  I need to make a jam night with the boy again so we can keep working on some songs.  Yes, we’re collaborating together musically.
So you there, screw the shoulds.  You’re doing it.

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