I’m at the beach. My view is of the water, and finally, I feel some calm, a bit of relaxation. As usual the drive down was “difficult”. I put in a book on cd which helped pass the time since I was cruising by myself. I miss the conversations on the road with a co-pilot, especially when that co-pilot was Kevin.
I brought my fishing gear as usual, and as usual I struggle with why I fish. Do I really enjoy it all that much? Is it just being at Assateague that I love so much? What causes me to continue with this hobby that was granted to me by Kevin? Is it my love of fishing or my love of just being HERE? I love it here. But today I’m in OCMD, not Assateague. I was up early, and for the first time ever, rode my bike on the boardwalk and watched the sunrise: it was lovely.
I’m not camping, another things that is not like my usual beach trip. Many things are different this time around. I feel much more relaxed and calm. Overall, I feel like myself. The buildup to this weekend has been difficult: I have been feeling extra emotional as of late about Kevin. The mourning has come back in a surprising fashion.
Maybe this is the start of new traditions: of finally creating the beach as my own zen. When I sit on the island of Assateague, as soon as I smell the salt of the air on the drive down, my senses go nuts and I feel at ease. That’s what I miss constantly-that particular feeling that is all me.
Everytime I visit here, I am constantly reminded of Kevin, but this time it does feel a bit different. My purpose isn’t to recreate what we had, but to just enjoy myself and relax. There’s no agenda, no timeframes, just relaxation, as it should be.
I’m happy to find some zen today, and I hope you find some too.