I believe I am going to get cancer at some point in my life. No, I do not consider myself a super paranoid person, nor a pessimist by any means, but a definite realist. Sometimes I DO look at statistics. I see what my genetics have foretold, and I see my health as it stands now, and I just have my game face on to one day hear the “C” word. Like most Americans, I have an extensive family history of cancer: Mom, Dad, Grandparent 2x, and in non-relations, my late husband. My life has been surrounded by cancer since my Dad was first diagnosed in my junior of year of high school, and it hasn’t seemed to stop since. But to be honest, I really do not expect it to.

I spoke with a friend last night who lost her mother to cancer, and what it came down to was this: we are both prepared to deal with cancer at some point in our lives. Frankly, we both believe it’s inevitable. It is almost as if we wish we could just get PET scans every 5 years on top of our female exams just to be aware. I do not think either of us will be at all surprised when we hear the big C word. Sometimes I think I woiuld rather just hear it and get it over with already.

The more I think about it in such a clinical way, it does depress me. Having been surrounded by some bad cancer stories, and some that turned out with a positive ending, it is hard for me to be optimistic about the C word. I am hopeful for those that have it, but when there’s even a chance that someone suspects cancer, I automatically think it will be the worst outcome.

Today I am in the dumps, no lie. I await the results of a family member’s PET scan and I cannot help but be quite anxious and upset. I slept horribly as the thoughts revolved through my head of what I will do if this occurs again, and if the diagnosis is not good. I am fearful to think that God believes I can handle more the C word in my life. I do not care to continue to be this strong to be able to handle it. I am sick of the suspicions, the worry, waiting on results. I would just like a peace and a break from the C word, but I guess that’s not my fate.

I choose to be a speaker and advocate for those dealing with cancer and grief, so that’s what I have allowed into my life. It is what I choose to surround myself by, and whom I choose to help. I would just like some good news, please.