I have a cat.  Darrell.

He’s pretty cute if I do say so myself – of course, I am a biased cat mommy.  I grew up with cats (we only had 1 dog, Blackie)-they all lived outside until I adopted one in 2003 named Radar and convinced my “NO CATS INDOORS” father to let him sleep inside.  Now Radar lives with my parents and is completely my Dad’s cat & buddy.  Radar stayed with my parents when I moved out in 2004 because my new apartment would not allow pets.

In 2007, Kevin and I happily acquired ‘Dimebag Darrell’ (named after the dead Pantera singer) from a littler of other rockstar-named kittens.  Darrell came home to live in our apartment (also no pets allowed, then our landlord found out, and well, it created an issue and a nice pet deposit payment due) until Kevin became sick and we couldn’t care for Darrell while we were temporarily living in Baltimore.  That, and moving Darrell in with Radar at my parents was a big NO.  Radar is VERY protective/territorial.  So Darrell went to live with his original human mommy, their 1 year old daughter, Darrell’s cat mommy, and a dog.

Darrell had a tough time, but he had lots of love and attention there.  I claimed Darrell back when I scored a pet-friendly apartment in early 2009.  I was so glad to have my buddy back.  However, over the past 2 plus years that I have lived there I have traveled a lot.  Sometimes I have friends or family watch Darrell, and for a day or two when I’m away, Darrell hangs at the apartment with some self feeders and self waterers while I’m away.  I feel guilty.

I’m a guilty pet momma.

The boy I am dating is highly allergic to Darrell.

I am traveling more and more, and if all goes as planned, I hope to be traveling in the long term in a year or two.  Darrell doesn’t seem to fit in any of those, and I feel BAD BAD BAD about that.  I feel bad for not giving him enough attention.  I feel bad for wanting to find him a home where he does get attention.  I feel bad all around.

Is it because I love Darrell that much?  Not really-I do love the cat, but he’s not the cuddliest of cats and he’s very particular.  Plus, due to his PICA disease, I have to hide EVERY SINGLE PLASTIC THING in my house.  But he was ours.  Darrell is sentimental.  On more than a few occasions I’ve “talked” to him and asked if he remembers his Dad.  Does he miss him too?

I want my cat to have a loving attentive home, and I know that in the long term that’s probably not with me.  It’s really bothering me.  I feel guilty for many reasons.  It’s definitely an unresolved issue not only with what I’ll do with Darrell in the long term, but with how I’ll emotionally handle him going to another home.  I guess it’s time to bring my cat up in therapy.  Oy.

P.S.  If you or anyone you know might like to have Darrell in your home, possibly at a future date, please let me know.