You have dreams growing up. Who do I want to be? What do I want to do? Where should I go? You concoct these great images of the person you can become and you let nothing hold you back in your imagination because we have instilled in ourselves a ‘WE CAN DO IT ALL’ attitude. It’s a great feeling-freeing, and open, and adventurous.
Getting married, you let go of some of those dreams, develop new ones, and create a tango of two people’s lives creating one grand present with a beautiful future. You merge your lives into one dream, one future. None of us consider what will happen if it just turns out to be one of us in that future.
So now it’s just me. And the cat of course. Roomie is off to Canada, I’m past the year, friends and family are busy with their lives and while we’re all still close and connected it’s me and my future. What am I going to do now?
I began counseling last evening with an assignment to make a list of my dreams for what I’d like to see happen with my sarcoma/widow awareness goals. How I want to inspire and help others and ways I can begin the simplest things without a big commitment and without failing before I start. It’s exciting, but overwhelming.
I started to make the list thinking “Yay-this will help prioritize and get my life in order”, but to Life there is no order. There’s no plan or future in many ways because as much as we can look ahead, we just do not know what will happen. Somehow in the midst of losing Kevin, I lost my ability to dream, to look forward to what can happen even if I don’t know what will happen.
My list is small. Just 4 things on it that seem so bland and unoriginal. What happened to my crazy spontaneity that would drive Kevin nuts. He would balance out my off the cuff ideas and help me figure out an action plan. He’s not there to do it, so in some ways, I feel like ‘why even start a plan?’
It’s so hard to dream again-it’s one of the hardest things I think I’m dealing with in grieving besides losing so much of my Faith. Dreams and Faith are intertwined and I guess that’s why when one fails, the other does too. I want that zestiness of my dreamworld. To think about the future without caution or apprehension, or the biggest part of it all: fear.
I miss dreams, but I’m scared to bring them back too. What if I lose them again? Could I handle losing my dreams yet again?