Weird Times

These are weird times.

But I’m grateful to not be alone in this.

I’m amazed each day that I get to have a partner to struggle through this with.

I’m happy for technology that can connect me to all of you: friends, family and people who have become both even though we’ve never met in person.

I long for quiet days and relaxing nights and wish I didn’t have to work yet I know the privilege it is to have a job and get a paycheck and get to stay home while doing it all.

I miss the hugs and snuggles of my nieces and nephew, the hugs and smiles from my stepdaughter and her husband, the love and tight hugs from my parents and in laws.

I miss the comforting presence of friends gathered on a sofa, sharing a drink, catching up.

My eyes beg for less screen time, for relief from the near constant headaches of straining at the screen in yet another online meeting. My head dulls at reading another chapter on business statistics and wishing the tests were done yet encouraged that I have the opportunity to continue my education.

The dust and dirty floors and so very many dishes that surround me drive me insane yet I struggle to find the energy to keep up with it all. I don’t miss my 50 minute one way commutes to work yet miss the banter of my coworkers in our Harrisburg office.

I miss shopping and being out and about yet every time I leave my house to get groceries I feel anxious and worried and all I want to do when I come home is take a shower.

I wish I could just “grab the mail” and put the groceries away with such ease but now it’s such a process and requires so many steps. I ache for creativity for playing my piano, making music with my husband, for finding time and energy to write and create but that seems to be failing me most.

The TV becomes my evening best friend getting sucked away in binge watching dramas and comedy to take away the worry from all of this.I think about my family who are essential workers who work in healthcare and say silent prayers for them often; hoping and wishing them health and safety and calm.

I miss normalcy but I don’t miss the business that was my normal, that was my chaos, that drove me to never relax or slow down or stay home.

Yet now I’m home all the time and I can’t help but think of where we can travel and where we can go the minute we get the “all clear”. I watch my oldest dog struggle with eating and going up and down the stairs and wonder if he’ll make it through all of this. I’m grateful I’m home to watch him and be with him.

I think of our younger dog who will hate when we go back to normal and leave her at home for 8+ hours a day. Her anxiety will return and she’ll be miserable but for now it’s her favorite thing to have us home.I think of my mom and dad, my mother in law and father in law, and my husband who cannot hug their children and grandchildren. I can only imagine how hard that must be and I wish more than anything that things go back to normal soon so we can just give one another a hug.

I dread the possible flare up of this in another season, before there is a vaccine, yet secretly hope that our stay at home order keeps me grounded and at home and prevents me from filling up my schedule again. I want to come out of this with lessons learned, with stronger relationships, with a greater understanding yet it’s hard to not just focus on doing the things to live like cooking meals, working for a paycheck, and trying to avoid the constant news of # of cases and # of deaths.

These are weird times.

But I’m grateful to not be alone in this.

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