I’m starting to realize, albeit not fully accept, that maybe it’s ok to start thinking about what I want as an individual for my future. So much of me thinks about the future we should have had as a couple, and ways in which I can honor Kevin by living my life. It’s not that I’ve completely lost my sense of self, but I do feel that a lot of me died with him. It sounds morbid, yes, but any widow or anyone whose lost someone, can relate to this. Pieces of you just aren’t there anymore.

I’m not embracing this idea of planning a future without Kevin-I’m still very much stuck on what we would be doing, what we should be doing, what I can do to remember and honor him. But the realistic part of me-the part that doesn’t tear up when I think of the shoulda woulda couldas, knows that ultimately it’s MY LIFE.

I think it’s just scary is the biggest part of it being my life. When you marry someone you give up ‘yours’, and everything becomes ‘ours’. Losing a spouse, everything that was ‘ours’ is now all ‘yours’. It’s a much easier transition to go from yours to ours, than from ours to yours. Even those who have been through a divorce can relate to this.

It’s not that you give up completely on your sense of self, but your ideals and dreams change to accomodate your life partner. Single friends I think have the hardest time adjusting to married friends because they feel like you can no longer give of yourself the way you could before, and it’s true. Yourself changes because it’s no longer just yourself to consider-it’s your spouse, and if you have kids, it’s your children. Life changes immensely when you make that commitment with someone.

When the commitment is broken-either through a separation, divorce or death, it’s a sever. Even if the break was mutual, there are still rips and tears along the way-things that can never really feel just yours again because pieces of them are still with it.

For example-my bed. It’s mine. But I look on his side all the time-I feel it, I run my hand across it trying to imagine the times he slept there. I look at the jeep and the few times he sat in the passenger seat and imagine his ailing body trying to sit through the uncomfortable bumps. I drive down the road to the beach, past our old apartment, and imagine the times we stopped and the conversations we had along the way. It’s still connected to us.

It’s extremely difficult to dream ahead without considering the other person. I imagine it’s even more difficult the longer you’ve been with someone because you can no longer remember just considering life by yourself. For me, I guess it’s a bit easier, because I dreamed big before I met Kevin just over 4 years ago.

(By the way-it was 4 years ago yesterday that we first began talking-maybe I mentioned this before. Also 3 year anniversary for my brother and his fiance, and 4 year anniversary for my friend’s Ashley and Shawn-just a shout out !)

Yet still, even though I can still remember the BIG dreams I had for myself before I met Kevin, I put all those aside when we committed. It was all for us, because I thought we had forever-I just didn’t realize our forever was only a few short years.

I ache to dream like I used to. I remember the excitement and thrill of dreaming to move to Montana and then making it happen. It was exhilerating and frightening and amazed even myself. I miss that type of dreaming.

Imagining moving right now scares me to death. I’m so glad I’m in lancaster-close to my friends and my immediate family. Parts of me can see staying here forever just for the comfort level, but the other part of me knows I’m a gypsy. I think Kev would be smiling at me saying that right now. He used to get annoyed at my ability to dream big-it was a bit over the top, ADHD sometimes, I’ll admit. I always wanted to be on the move, doing something different. This is probably a big explanation of why I’ve lived in 9 different homes in 5 years, and why I’ve held countless number of jobs.

The only dream I have for myself is getting through today and not losing my s*it to put it bluntly. That’s the only dream I can feel good about all the time, and know that it’s something I want to achieve.

Other dreams are ones that feel so far off, they feel out of my hands out of my reach. I’ve always needed input, support, feedback on my hopes and dreams. Kevin was my bouncing board to keep me stable and grounded. To keep dreaming, but to be realistic. So now, nothing feels realistic anymore.

Here’s some fleeting dreams I think about. So, be my bouncing board. Tell me what you think….

-This is official-I registered for Fall classes at Harrisburg Area Community College. I’ll be taking English Composition II and Business Law and in the Spring I’ll take Math 101 and a Sciene Lab to complete my Associate’s in Business Studies.

My goal from there is to transfer into Eastern University’s accelerated Degree program in Organizational Leadership (part of Business).

-My writing is going fairly well for the freelance. I want to focus more on the book and possibly get it published within the year’s end, or at least to a point where I could be published. If it’s successful I dream of writing more and making it a full time career.

-I would love to own my own house-somewhere with a small yard, just 1 extra bedroom, a porch to sit with coffee and look out somewhere beautiful. A shed where I can store my camping and fishing gear, a bike, maybe even a motorcycle someday. I don’t need a fancy house-just something small and quaint in a place I love-maybe the mountains or the beach!

-I dream of making an impact. It doesn’t have to be something large or huge-not Oprah status, but just something that makes a different in those dealing with Sarcoma and Grief.

-I’d LOVE to lose this weight, but I honestly know that right now I’m not in a mental position to put that much strain on myself to force it to happen. So for now, on the good days I’ll go for walks, I’ll eat well, I’ll cook for myself, and on the bad days I’ll forge through.

-I want to work for myself, not for someone else. It’s not that I dont’ like my jobs, I enjoy them for now. But the only thing I’m doing right now that I truly love is writing. I hate switching jobs, so if I’m working for myself, it’s all me.

-Find a place to live that feels home. Maybe it IS Lancaster. Maybe it’s Berlin, Md where I love the beach. Who knows-maybe back in Montana. Nothing within the next 2 years, but maybe down the road once I get my footing again. Who knows-maybe even the Cali coast is calling 🙂

….

It’d be nice to dream again without fear like I used to, but I still feel pretty frozen. I have to say though-the beach sun is thawing some of it….