When Kevin died, I said over and over that I would have given up anything to have him still be here on earth. I no longer feel that immediacy. While I wish he hadn’t passed, I’m content in my new life and where my chapter two is headed. The immediacy, to have him here in order to survive, is gone. I am happy to embrace my presence now and see him in the other life.
As tragedy unfolds around me from countries being swallowed by earth and water, to new widows entering this world, to friends falling off their paths, I feel the urgency to live whole. I feel this need often, and have since Kevin died. Initially I went back to work just to do something, and then decided to go back to school, and now here I am. I’m managed to squeeze myself into a life of semi-comfort, stability, and blehs.
Sometimes I wonder how I got here. I was so against getting stuck in the mundane. It was something Kevin and I were working to get away from-we wanted something more risky, exciting. I still smile at the thought of running a deli/cafe on the way to Assateague Island during the day, fishing at night, and living simply. It was definitely in our life plan. For hours on the drive home from the island, we would talk about our dreams to move there, to make our home there. I thought about committing to that dream even after he died, but I’m glad I didn’t. It wouldn’t have been the same without him.
But now? Now options are open? While I’m committed to some things, these are things whose commitment will end in the next year. I have finally placed myself in a position where I am working hard to pay off debts that were past due, close out the open books of Kevin’s life, and finalize some chapters in my own life. It’s possible that by the end of the year, if I work hard enough, I could become debt free (except for school debt arg) and have some freedom and flexibility.
Could I finish the memoir by then and look at publishing?
Could I land some great travel writing gigs and begin writing around the country?
What can I do for others that are grieving and battling sarcoma that could open doors for my future as well as theirs?
Sometimes I regret not just going nuts after Kevin died and moving somewhere and living crazy. But I needed stability more than anything. I have achieved that now, and now I want some of the crazy back. I’ve never been a “plan for retirement” kind of gal. I have always been a plan for the next trip girl. So where to next?