I don’t have a title, because my thoughts are so jumbled. It has been a rollercoaster 24 hours. I am not sure if it is the accumulation of hormones, my roomie being out of town, approaching 11 months, approaching 1 year, dreams about Kevin, changing in the seasons, upcoming weddings of friends, or just plain grief. Most possibly, it is the combination of all the triggers that are caused by grief.

I did not go to Griefshare last night. I did not get done with a Mary Kay appointment until 6:45 and I could not find in myself the energy to go into a group to discuss my emotions. It felt too consuming for even myself to handle.

After a lot of thought and discussion with friends, I feel that one to one therapy may be the best option at this point. It will cost money, which is going to be hard to come by, but it will be well worth the investment.

I find in groups that I feel left out. I am the “Oh my God, you are so young” widow, and that alone is quite uncomfortable. I stick out like a sore thumb despite our similarities in the grief journey. Unfortunately, there are no, and I repeat NO, local young adult grief support groups. Even the local hospice only offers a young loss support group about once a year. I’m not sure if it’s because there are so few of us, or if it’s because so few reach out for help, but either way, the support just is not there in numbers. However, if any of you know of any young loss specific support groups, please pass information my way.

I spent the night sitting on my couch, ordering in chinese, and then bawling myself to sleep. How was your night? It was healing in some ways I guess-it was something that was needed in all parts…the relaxation, the comfort food, and the release. But this morning my eyes are like puffy softballs which is none too appealing to even me. I feel drained, emotionally, physically, spiritually.

I heard what should be encouraging news from friends this morning, and well, *shrugs*. I don’t know what to say, how to deal. I have mentioned before that grief has brought about this very bitter, cynical side to my personality. I see it in others who are grieving as well, so I know it’s very familiar to grief. It is hard for me to rejoice in a rebirth of a relationship when I never got that miracle. While I want to feel joy for this, happiness, I do not. I can only think of the miracle I prayed for, and was not chosen to receive. A good friend told me that sometimes we just have to chalk it up to life isn’t fair, and I got the sucky end of it. I agree.

The waves of emotions continue. It is an absolute onslaught of negativity, grief, depression, sadness, and frankly, don’t give a crap about anything type of emotion. I don’t like it, but I am dealing with it. So don’t be angry or snappy or take anything personally right now, I’m just trudging through trying not to sink as the tsunami hits. Once again.

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Comments 3

  1. Hello, I am Star. Supa sent me. I understand your struggle unfortunately. The last month and the one year mark were so hard for me (about 3 weeks ago). I was 27 when I was widowed after 6 months of marriage. We were in a car accident and my husband did not ultimately survive.

    I never did group therapy. My primary doctor did not recommend it. He said it wasn’t healthy for me. I did one-on-one. I was “lucky” that my local university has a doctorate program in psychology so I was able to get my therapy very, very discounted. You may want to check if they do anything similar to you.

    And as far as not being able to feel happy or any other emotion, my counselor told me to think of emotions like a savings account. Your emotions are spent somewhere else. You have no other emotions to give out. Don’t beat yourself up about that.

    Feel free to email me.
    I’m rooting for you.

  2. Many health insurance plans cover therapy – definitely check that out. Your university where you’re taking classes may also offer some therapy for free, or at a very discounted rate. Also, many therapists work on a sliding scale, which means that they charge what you can afford. And, I don’t know where you work, but a lot of employers offer Employee Assistance Programs, where they give you a few free sessions and then put you in touch with therapists that can work with your budget and needs. I know it feels like a lot of work to do all that research, but you will thank yourself in the long run if you do it.

    Sorry you are feeling so low right now. Just remember that there’s nothing wrong with you – it hurts like hell but it’s normal, and though it might feel endless and that you’re totally alone, you’re not. I know I’ve said this before, but even though we’ve never met, I’m really pulling for you. Hang in there, Brenda.

  3. I read your blog post…It sounds like you just need an ear and a hug sometimes. I can only imagine what you are attempting to work through. As I’m not a widow, I won’t pretend to know or pretend to have all the answers. But, I felt compelled to pass along something that I heard recently.

    I don’t remember where this was (movie, news post, online article?). A widow was speaking of losing her spouse. She was fairly young herself and obviously further along the healing process. She stated that she was thankful for the time she had with her spouse and that God had allowed her to borrow him for as long as she had been able to. This statement moved me.

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