The Blue Underneath

Driving to work this morning the sky was crowded with light gray, puffy clouds. I thought, wow, what a cool fall morning. The sky is like me this morning, just hiding….

But then, the closer I got to my coffee stop, I saw on the horizon that underneath all those gray puffy clouds was one of the most bluest skies I have ever seen on a fall morning. It was a perfect, aqua blue, that just lit up the sky on the horizon. And now, as I just got back from getting the mail, the sky was blue all over, except for a few clouds burning off with the sun.

Underneath all the hurt, and pain, and anguish, my spirit is there. I know that. I talked to God, man to man yesterday (well, technically woman to God) and just laid it all out on the line. What I used to be like, what I’m like now, how I’m struggling, the things I wish I could change, the things I desire in my life, the spirit I wish to re-capture, the sadness I’m sure Kevin sees in me all the way from heaven, the pain I’m holding onto for whatever reason, the releases I need, the choices I should make, the places I should go, the people I should help, the person I need to be.

It felt good to just talk to someone, even if I’m not really sure God is listening (I know all of you are saying right now that He is), but I often feel like Kevin is. When I talk to God, I also talk to Kevin in the same breaths. It’s like they’re up there hand in hand, just waiting for me to look up and say “Hey, I know you’re up there, and I need help.” So I did just that. I gave it away.

Now I just need patience to wait for the answers, and the strength to push forward and seek the help I need here on this earth. For me, that’s one to one counseling. I’ve been making some calls, and once I get good medical insurance in mid-October I will be doing personal counseling. I feel at this point, that is the best option. Group therapy for me is difficult, because I do not feel relatable as the “young widow”. I also have some other issues I need to deal with on non-grief level that I do believe personal therapy will help with. I’m excited and nervous to make this commitment, but it is time, and has been time.

I am facing some big decisions in the next six months regarding my schooling. I should most likely be wrapping up my Associate’s degree at HACC by May if I can hunker down and get all my courses accomplished while working full time. If I am able to finish in May, my hope was to go right into my Bachelor’s through one of the local Accelerated degree programs that HACC offers transfers to with nearby schools. However, in doing some more personal research, the only 2 schools that they offer this direct transfer to are $30k/year schools. WOWZA.

So now I’m back at square one in some ways. Thankfully, I know what degreee I am choosing: Organizational Leadership/Communication. Penn State offers an online bachelor’s in this degree, as well as some schools out West. Well, what did you expect? I mean, a bit of my heart is STILL in Montana, so if I’m going to look into all my options for schooling, why not there? 🙂 It’s not something I would do for another year (with moving if I chose that route), but still something I want to look and highly consider in all areas. I want to make the right choice, where I will be the most happy, as well as get the best education for my $ (which my $ is pretty low).

Lots to consider, think about, pray about. I will keep you updated, but for now, I’m going to try and enjoy this bright blue sky while it’s still visible…

Brenda Sieglitz

Brenda Lee Sieglitz is an author and public speaker whose topics focus on travel, grief, and nature. Widowed in 2008 at 24 years of age, Brenda is an advocate for sarcoma patients, the widowed community, and conservation through her volunteerism with the National Park Service, Lancaster County Conservancy, Pennsylvania Master Naturalist, Hospice of Lancaster County, Soaring Spirits International, Angiosarcoma Awareness and Highmark Caring Place. Brenda won the 2009 Associated Content “Content of the Year” award, and in 2011 was named one of Wyndham Women’s “Women on their Way”. Most recently her love and loss memoir, Ebb from the Shoreline, won 1st Place Editor’s Choice in Nonfiction at the 2014 North American Book Awards. Sieglitz holds a degree in business and became a Pennsylvania Master Naturalist in 2015. In her spare time, she adores playing with her two nieces, going on family adventures with her husband, stepdaughter and son-in-law, hiking, camping and is working to complete her bucket list dream of visiting all National Park units. Sieglitz has been married to her best friend Dave since 2013 and continues to reside in Lancaster County with their two beagles Scotch and Fina.

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Comments 1

  1. Caitlin September 25, 2009

    You should definitely look into scholarships if you really want to continue on to get your bachelors. There are TONS of scholarships out there for people in need, particularly women, and particularly adult women who are returning to school, and I bet also for women who are widowed and going back to school. Search around some of the places where you’re affiliated – church groups, supermarkets, community groups, your work, your school… Check out the library and the bookstore, too. There are thousands and thousands of dollars out there just waiting for you. Of course, it’s a lot more work, but if you really want to do this, it’s worth it! Free education! You’re worth it!

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