I am sitting here at Lancaster Gastrointestinal waiting for my moms endoscopy and colonoscopy to be done. I am sitting just outside the room where we were first told Kev had cancer. I remember that day so vividly. The day I walked back out these doors and never was the same again. I can only hope and pray that today I can leave here with only good results. This is a tough place to be, but I am doing ok. I encourage you all to get a colonoscopy if you’re 50 or older especially. Talk to your doctor!
And today is new years eve. The last day to this excruciatingly painful year. A year that was so promising of hope and fun and ending in disaster. 2008 is going to haunt me for a long time. I’m glad its over in some ways, but in others it mean that even more time has passed since Kev has left this earth. That is a tough one to swallow. 9 weeks yesterday.
I am learning a lot about Gods miracles and plans and unanswered prayers. All that we ask for we do not get and all that we get is not always what we ask for. I’m struggling with praying more than just asking God to get me through each day. I met with my grief counselor yesterday and she agreed that God understands the needs on my heart even if I don’t have the strength to bring them to him right now. He knows my pain and continues to walk with me.
But I still feel lonely. Normal. I still want Kev here. Normal. I’m still angry. Normal. I still cry almost daily. Normal. I still mourn our dreams. Normal. I still….a lot of things. And it’s all normal for ME in my grief. While grief is universal it’s still unique to each situation. I am learning to continue to listen to MY heart and head, because I apparently know myself really well, and I’m proud of that. And that means making decisions based on my knowledge of what I can and cannot do and embracing the times I have to do those things.
Time is precious. Tell them before its too late. Don’t hold back on showing love. Your life, in whatever stage, will influence others. Shine. Love. Donlt hold back.
My new life has started. So now what?….
Wishing you all a safe, fabulous, and fresh new year.