A World Full of ____(word similar to coincidences, yet not)___

I do not believe in coincidences. I believe in divinity. I sure as heck don’t understand it, but I believe it for the most part.

Maybe that’s why tonight at my 1st group grief counseling session I met a family who went through such scary similar situations, I was amazed. That’s probably also why I finally met one of my “blog stalkers” at my favorite cafe who only found my journey by the internet. It’s probably why despite spending the last few hours crying, I am now sitting here smiling, drinking a WONDERFUL sugar free, skim, caramel steamed milk (I’m TRYING to be healthier people), at my favorite cafe not feelilng quite so abandoned. It’s probably why when I FINALLY picked up the phone to call Kev’s best friend in Canada, his wife answered, and told me my number had been missing and THAT’S why they hadn’t called, but let me talk her ear off for a half an hour. And it’s pobably why I don’t feel quite so alone tonight. Nope, no coincidences here, just divinity of faith.

Sorry, that was a big blab. But I think that’s ok with you.

CHECK IN TIME. Who’s still reading my ramblings? My ticker isn’t working for some reason, so I can’t tell how many of you are still stalking me. Leave some love, please. But this time, tell me your name, your favorite song, and what inspires you in life. I like to know a bit more about my stalkers, I mean, “readers”. Haha.

The grief therapy was so intimidating. Walking into a room full of people who are sharing as deep of grief as you are, and not being sure how THEY are handling it, is hard. Talking for the first time, bearing your soul in front of strangers is harder yet. But by the end of the night, I felt ok, and actually look forward to seeing them all again next week. Getting to know their stories and journeys, to understand their level of grief and loss. Relating to each other in such a horrifying way just stinks.

I’m definitely feeling more prepared mentally to deal with some things. I’ve made some of the painful phone calls about the financial/medical stuff, I’ve called some of the people who I’ve been wondering why they haven’t called me, and I’m attempting to get my brain wrapped around writing a novel. I’m still only 11 pages in, but that’s something I think. I believe the problem is not so much that I’m not motivated, but I’m scared of what will happen if/when I finish it. I guess that’s still a LONG ways away, but I know myself, and I can write a lot very quickly (thanks to my total ADHD brain combined with mad fast typing skills) if I want to. So if I decide that I’m REALLY REALLY doing it, it could be finished by summer. And then what???? How do I convince people this is legit, this is good, this is me. Knowing they could rip it apart, and then, technically, it’d be ripping me apart, because I’ve pretty much bared my soul to all of you. Now THAT’S unnerving. So I guess I should just write it, and go from there.

I’m thinking that since I’m almost 95% sure I’m NOT going to take the opportunity to live in Seattle for the summer, that I want to start some projects relating to sarcoma, to Kevin’s legacy.

I really want to host a Team Sarcoma event, which would be held during International Sarcoma Awareness Week in July. I’m thinking the simplest of things to do is a walk or a hike, and just have people collect money for the cause. My Team sarcoma would be titled, “KIK SARCOMA: Keepin it Kevin”. What do you think? I think it’s catchy, and it’s cheesy enough that even Kevin woud get a laugh out of it. And to me, THAT’S keepin’ it kevin. But how much willpower will it take to organize something like this? Who would help (any of you)? Where would I host it? How much time would I invest in it? Questions to think about…By Keepin’ it Kevin’, it HAS to be simple. Years down the road, I DREAM of having a surf fishing tournament at Assateague in honor of Kevin, but that’s YEARS down the road. So what are your thoughts?

The other thing is a combination of my Mary Kay job (which I’ll have you know I’ll be celebrating 4 years with the company tomorrow-can’t believe I’ve been a pink lady for that long!), and widows. It’s titled, “Waterproof Widows”. I came up with it, because, low and behold, when Kevin passed, and I went to wear makeup, I realized that not even I, A MARY KAY CONSULTANT, owned waterproof mascara. It seemed like an outrage! The worst part of it was, I wanted to look pretty, and wear makeup, but I knew it’d run everywhere, so I did what I never do, and I went to the drugstore to buy some waterproof mascara. Who wants to spend $10 on waterproof mascara, knowing the only reason you’re purchasing it, is to bawl your eyes out? It’s the LAST thing you want/do think about. Trust me.

So, I’d like to donate a waterproof mascara to the “waterproof widows” idea, whenever anyone purchases a mascara. A match for match program. Then, I’d like to maybe have a website, or work with a local funeral home, to give a nice gift bag including a poem, and the mascara, for the widows, as well as a card for a free makeoever whenever she needs a pick me up. This is something simple, easy, and thoguhtful. It’s a way I can help with something I know a good deal about, MAKEUP. So, it’s something I’m starting..how about now?? I think that’s a great KICK OFF to my 4 year anniversary. Plus, I’m going to offer other consultants, if they want to donate waterproof mascaras to the effort, to do. I think it’ll be really cool……

But back to the one day at a time, no big plans. This is something simple and easy I can do NOW. The Team Sarcoma thing….who knows, maybe this year I’ll just hand out flyers locally promoting Sarcoma awareness and dive into it more next year. I also set an appointment to meet with my school advisor about possibly switching to Nuclear Medicine for the fall or next spring semester. But then, what if the book turns out, and I AM on Oprah’s next book club, hahahhahahha. Oh, to dream again. Feels good.

So many possibilities, but no big commitments for the next year. Instead, I’m keepin’ it kevin. And right now he would say, Bren babe, slow down, one thing at a time, just get through today, and have fun. I love you.
I love you too Kev. I love you too.

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Comments 4

  1. So good to meet you tonight! Thanks for visiting us at the cafe. I am cheering for you in my heart.

  2. Hi Brenda…It’s Laura Neault from Winnipeg. I was just getting myself caught up on your blogging as it has been a little while since I had the chance to read it. First I want to tell you that I absolutely LOVE all your ideas; the Team Sarcoma fundraising, and all the Mary Kay makeup ideas to help others. “Passing it on”.. I think it is very courageous and generous of you. I myself can’t wait til your novel is finished and will definitely be in line for one! But take all the time YOU need to put it together. You asked us “stalkers” to tell you our favorite song and tell you what inspires us. I can’t decide if I have many favorites or no favorites, as it is really hard to choose. I’d say one is “Bad Timing” by Blue Rodeo, or “Ironic” by Alannis Morrisette. Why?..not sure. Maybe because in some sense they remind you that life isn’t always perfect or fair. I don’t know. For inspiration, I would definitely have to include you. As I read your blogs, I enjoy your honesty, and for keeping it real, and you inspire me to be a better person not only tomorrow, but now! My other inspiration would definitely be my kids! My daughter has been diagnosed with Sotos Syndrome (form of giantism), she just turned 3 years old and we witness the challenges she faces everyday, and how she gets thru them all with a smile! It’s facinating. Anyways, as always it great to read your everyday challenges and know that I am thinking of you and praying for you to get thru each and everyday…especially Tuesdays! Take Care!

  3. I’m still reading and praying for you! I think all your ideas are excellent!!! I may even do the walk. That is, only if I get to meet you! Don’t worry I’m not a psycho. I live on the other side of PA. Can’t wait to hear more!!!
    love and prayers always,

  4. Hey Bren,
    call me a stalker…I kinda like it.
    Just so you know, I too love all the ideas, KIK, Mascara and you know I love the book idea. Excellent…all the way to Oprah! Ya…
    Remember I have my NAMI group? I am meeting with them again tight…its our first post class group meeting. I remember and still believe how there are no coincidences. The members of my group are perfect for me…
    Today its Wednesday…you made it through another Tuesday. Will you group meet every Tuesday?
    When you go on tour with your book…you know…road trip! I’ll drive…haha…

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