I can’t remember one time throughout this entire journey that I sat down and blogged while crying. I don’t know how I got through 4 months without crying while blogging, but for whatever reason, the tears always came at different times.
That time is tonight though. The pain reaches far beyond the tears I shed. I just no longer believe that tears are powerful enough to hold the pain that causes them. Nor are they, at times, powerful enough to hold the joy that causes them. But both times they flow freely.
I made the mistake of watching one of my favorite movies tonight, Bridget Jones’ Diary. It humors me so, and it still did to a point. But the love that is shown in the end…that final kiss when they are FINALLY together. It just kills. I felt so raw to watch that moment. Beyond any pangs of loneliness I felt in my single days, the pangs I felt tonight with losing Kev are just so beyond the tears.
I find that mornings and nights are the absolute hardest. There is no waking to him…there is no kissing him goodnight, except in my dreams, and now my dreams are so bitter. The reality bites so hard sometimes that my jaw just doesn’t unclench…as I am doing now.
My heart just wants to cry out, but there are no screams loud enough. My brain just wants me to cease thinking because it hurts so badly. My soul aches so much that all the ibuprofen in the world would not take this ache away. There are just absolutely no words to describe this type of grief. It is unexpected, and devastating, and destroying….and sadly, so real.
I am so sorry. I know my dear friends are crying reading this. I am sorry to bring that to you, but I just don’t know how else to put it out there. WHY???????????????????????????
This amazingly horrible disease took this awesomely beautiful man.
I just don’t understand it. I don’t. I do believe there is a plan, but tonight….in my mind, tonight, that plan is SO NOT WORTH THIS.
I know me, and I know tomorrow I will be restored with the belief and faith that the plan is far greater. I just wish that part of the plan was to keep us together for a long life ahead.
Ugh. I am sorry. No, I’m not sorry. You have all said about how expressive I have been, how raw. Well, tonight, unfortunately, you get a full dose of it. It’s beyond words that I can say, and I can only get this out by typing (thankfully, I type fast!) my thoughts as they come.
I am weak. I am lost. I am suffering. I am devastated. I am in unimagineable pain. I am lonely. I miss my husband. This just feels so horrible.
………..it is, beyond the tears. Please pray for me tonight. This is just too real tonight. Too real.