My brain is in a slight state of disconnect. I get this way-I have in the past, and so I know this is not ‘widow related’ persay. It seems that every few months I go through this phase of evaluating my life and changing what’s not good, and improving what is good. It sounds like a healthy process to go through, but many times it causes me to make rash decisions. I’m not happy? Slash, done. That’s not the way this process should go.
Widowhood has definitely made me a self righteous person at times, and also, selfish. I want to keep what I have, and I want to rid of what is holding me back. I have a feeling of superiority that causes me to do or say things that can hurt people, mostly because I feel justified that I’ve been screwed in life, and well, I deserve THIS.
But that’s not how life rolls, and I cannot be that type of person, it just does not suit me. Sometimes, however, I want to be that way. I want to do what I want, when I want, because it will bring me happiness and that is what I deserve. We all deserve happiness though, not just the ones who have experienced some pretty shitty circumstances.
I am just feeling discontent with where I am right now. Tonight I’ll speak for the first time in public about grief, but will anyone but my mother show up? When I finish writing this memoir, who will read its’ pages? When I finish degree, what will I do with that piece of paper?
What’s next? It had better not be more discontent.