I am finding that this past week being home has been really emotional. It’s been hitting me very hard, being home, without Kevin. Last night, while shopping at Target, I almost broke down crying in the middle of the home decorations aisle over nothing. I just wanted to curl up into a bawl, in the middle of the floor, and bawl hysterically. But I made it out…only to do just that in my Jeep. It was difficult. So, I made a pit stop at a close friend’s house on the way home to sob on their shoulders. I’ve been doing a lot of impromptu crying over the past few days.
The holidays are hitting me hard. It’s not that I didn’t expect that to happen, I just hoped I could handle it. But no one can prepare you for the array of emotions you feel spending your first big holidays alone as a widow. And yes, despite all those wonderful people surrounding you, you still feel alone. I don’t know how to describe it, but it’s a miserable, cold, bitter feeling.
I’m so glad that my MIL, Linda, is coming to visit. It’ll be nice to have her to spend some time with, and to be together over the holidays. Please keep Ken in your thoughts and give him a ring over the holidays, as he’ll be back in Winnipeg alone. I think about him often, and how he is dealing, how we’re all dealing. I know I’m not alone in this loss.
I’m just pressing on….pushing forward. One milisecond at a time it feels like…