On Saturday evening I had the rare opportunity to sit down with 8 other widows. I was the youngest, but it was good to be around others facing the same emotions, questions, and concerns that I do daily.
One of the other widows’ husband had passed just 3 days prior to Kevin, so we’re both about 16 months out. We discussed dating and where we were on the timeline of Chapter Two. We both acknowledged that it has become increasingly hard for us to figure out who we are, and the things we enjoy.
Most married couples share in their hobbies. For Kevin and I, it was camping, surf fishing, going to the gym, watching 24, and music. While I do enjoy all these things, and enjoyed some of them prior to meeting Kevin, it has become hard to distinguish what I have continued solely to continue with the memory of the life we had, and what I have continued because it is my hobby and something I enjoy.
One thing is for certain: I love the outdoors. I always have, and probably enjoyed them even more than Kevin. I also love to write, but I consider that more of my career than my hobby, although it is a bit of both. I read. I like movies. I love music. But those are so general. Anything specifically referring to my distinct hobbies are a big ole blank.
I look forward into the future, and I see myself doing the things that WE would be doing this summer, but it has become nearly impossible to see the things that I would be doing this summer. I cannot even go back prior to Kevin, because now I am such a different person. I am someone that is so unrecognizable, that I cannot even define my passions.
It is certainly the year of discovery and preparation. With all of that, comes many feelings of being LOST instead of feeling loss. While I feel that as well, it is more that I don’t know where I fit into my own life anymore. It will be nice to discover what it is that I actually do enjoy, what fits, what hurts, what just doesn’t work anymore.