It Feels Good to be Free

Freedom. A whole week of no assignments, house guests, and 1.5 days off of work. I like this way too much. One of the discussions at Saturday night’s widow’s group was about how much time we took off work after losing our spouses. I was off roughly 5.5 months from the time Kevin got sick and I became his full time caretaker to a few months after he passed. I was fortunate enough to have a supportive family who let me live with them, and some funds to pay bills while I recooperated from the hell of those prior 6 months. I had some time, some have more, some less.

It felt good to go back to work, even though for me, it was different jobs. I don’t know that this is what I would have sought out, but it’s what landed at my feet, and in these economics times, you cannot turn those opportunites down.

There never seems enough freedom to let yourself feel the emotions of grief. We get thrown back into daily routines, and are forced to pick up and move forward even though we are ill equipped to deal with the daily stressors of life on top of grieving. There is no freedom to grieve.

I have taken off little time since I went back to work about 2.5 months after Kevin passed away. I’ve done long weekends, and had a whole week off for swine flu, but that has been all. I’m looking forward to some more extended trips this year when I’m not bombarded with school, to enjoy peace and freedom.

I miss having a clear schedule, I’ll admit it. While I love to plan things, I also hate being over-committed to the point of suffocation. It’s half tempting to just sign up for summer courses, bite the bullet, and FINISH IT just because I want to be done. However, I can’t do that. I need this summer off, to enjoy, to relax; come next Fall, I’ll know it’s my last semester of school until I next choose to continue the Bachelor’s journey. But for now, this is all.

Grief is such a hindrance. There is no freedom in grief. But this week, I am feeling some freedom, ambition, drive, and frankly, joy.

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